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#1 2012-02-23 02:16:28

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 14,870

Some more clean jokes!

1) Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

2) There were three men on a hill with their watches.

The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it.

The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it.

The third man said, "Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow!"

3) A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says:

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."


Character is who you are when no one is looking.

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#2 2012-02-24 06:36:02

anonimnystefy
Real Member
From: The Foundation
Registered: 2011-05-23
Posts: 15,608

Re: Some more clean jokes!

hi ganesh

nice ones! i loved the last one.boy,is that dachshund smart. smile


“Here lies the reader who will never open this book. He is forever dead.

“Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most.” ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

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#3 2012-03-02 22:00:24

Tigeree
Member
Registered: 2005-11-19
Posts: 13,848

Re: Some more clean jokes!

Love Sherlock & Watson, ganesh!
Great jokes!


People don't notice whether it's winter or summer when they're happy.
~ Anton Chekhov
Cheer up, emo kid.

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#4 2012-06-13 20:23:10

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 14,870

Re: Some more clean jokes!

Sam goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup. “Everything is fine”, said the doctor, “You’re doing OK for your age.” “For my age?” questioned Sam, “I’m only 75, do you think I’ll make it to 80? “Well” said the doctor, “do you drink or smoke?” “No” Sam replied. “Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?” “No” said Sam “I am very careful about what I eat.” “How about your activities? Do you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or skiing? “No” said Sam taken aback, “I would never engage in dangerous activities.” “Well,” said the doctor, “then why in the world would you want to live to be 80?

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A lady noticed an old happy man sitting on his porch. “Excuse me” she said “I just couldn’t help noticing how happy you look. Tell me, what is the secret to your long happy life.”
“Well, the man responded, “I eat fatty foods, never exercise. I also smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, and drink about a case of whiskey a week”
“Wow” the women said “and how old are you?”
Twenty eight, he said!

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After much convincing from my husband, I finally agreed to call an old family friend to sing her happy birthday. It was only after I finished singing, that the voice at the other end of the line informed me, that it was the wrong number.
“Oh I’m sorry” I said, embarrassed. “It’s ok”, the voice said “you can use all of the practice you can get!”

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I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

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Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A. Sue.

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So David Is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride. “Ma”, he said to his Mother, “I’m going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance.” Sure enough twenty minutes later, David  walks in the door with three girls following behind him. “It’s that one”, said his mother, without blinking an eye.  ”Holy cow”, exclaimed David, “how in the world did you know it was her?” “I just don’t like her”, she replied.


Character is who you are when no one is looking.

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#5 2012-06-13 22:39:39

bobbym
Administrator
From: Bumpkinland
Registered: 2009-04-12
Posts: 89,048

Re: Some more clean jokes!

Hi ganesh;

The doctor has a point in the first joke.


In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them.

I agree with you regarding the satisfaction and importance of actually computing some numbers. I can't tell you how often I see time and money wasted because someone didn't bother to run the numbers.

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#6 2014-06-13 23:11:06

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 14,870

Re: Some more clean jokes!

A drunk guy had a bit too much to drink. Walking into a courthouse he yell’s “All lawyers are sneaky thieves.” A man stands up and says “Hey,don’t talk like that to me!” The drunk shouts back “Why, you’re a lawyer?” “No”, says the man “I’m a sneaky thief.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I recently went to the doctor with my elderly grandfather and the doctor comes in and sits down to tell us the prognosis, “all you’re test results came back and I’m afraid I have two pieces of bad news. You have Diabetes and you have Alzheimer’s”. My grandfather replies , “That ain’t so bad, at least I don’t have Diabetes!”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Question: What did the police man say to the midget that filed a complaint that someone picked his pocket and stole his wallet?
Answer: I can’t believe someone would stoop so low.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It was at an amusement park on a brutally hot day when I saw a father with 2 kids. “Who’s enjoying the most?” I asked cheerfully. “I am” said one “ I am” said the second. “No,” the father said “their mother is!”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

For our daughters 5th birthday we bought her a rabbit. We couldn’t help laughing when on the way she announced “the rabbit’s name is Sparingly.” “How do you know?” I asked “look” she responded “it says “feed sparingly 3 times daily.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I was by the baseball game and the umpire behind home plate kept on missing calls. After the game I bumped into the umpire in the lot, and went over to him to have a chat, ” hey I found this phone and I think it may be yours” I yelled. “What makes you think that?” he questioned. “Well, it says 20 missed calls!”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


Character is who you are when no one is looking.

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#7 2014-06-13 23:46:17

Agnishom
Real Member
From: The Complex Plane
Registered: 2011-01-29
Posts: 18,143
Website

Re: Some more clean jokes!

Hi;

nice jokes!


'And fun? If maths is fun, then getting a tooth extraction is fun. A viral infection is fun. Rabies shots are fun.'
'God exists because Mathematics is consistent, and the devil exists because we cannot prove it'
'You have made another human being happy. There is no greater accomplishment.' -bobbym

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#8 2014-06-13 23:59:27

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 14,870

Re: Some more clean jokes!

Thanks, Agnishom!


Character is who you are when no one is looking.

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#9 2014-06-14 00:15:54

ShivamS
Member
Registered: 2011-02-07
Posts: 3,612

Re: Some more clean jokes!

Great jokes, ganesh!

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#10 2014-06-14 00:54:37

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 14,870

Re: Some more clean jokes!

Thanks a lot, ShivamS!


Character is who you are when no one is looking.

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#11 2014-06-15 14:04:47

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 14,870

Re: Some more clean jokes!

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

4. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

5. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

6. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

7. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

8. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

9. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

10. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


Character is who you are when no one is looking.

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#12 2014-06-16 17:28:54

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 14,870

Re: Some more clean jokes!

What do you call a deeply burnt food item in your lunch that is not recogonizable?
UFO: Unidentified Fried Object.
----------------------------------------------------------

Man 1: After buying this new hearing aid, I am able to hear something two blocks away.
Man 2: Cool, how much did it cost?
Man 1: The time is three past ten.
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Doctor to a rich man: Do you prefer a local anesthesia?
Rich man: I would rather prefer an imported one.
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A woman went to the Doctor and said "When I looked in the mirror this morning, I saw my hair was frizzy, my skin wrinkly, my eyes bloodshot – what is wrong with me?".
The Doctor replied "Well the good news is that your eyesight is fine".
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Teacher: "Amy, what do you call the outside of a tree?"
Student: "No idea miss"
Teacher told angrily: "Bark, Amy".
Amy: "Bow Wow Wow Miss"
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Interviewer: Do you think you can handle a variety of work?
Candidate: Yes I think so, I have worked in 10 different places in the last 3 months.
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Employee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.
Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?
Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.
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Knock knock!
Who's there?
Max.
Max who?
Max no difference to you, just open up and let me in!
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There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.
After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".
The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"
The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."
Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.
The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
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One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?"
he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food."
The poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"
----------------------------------------------------------

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled.
"Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"
----------------------------------------------------------


Character is who you are when no one is looking.

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