How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, apparently they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro ... what a rip off!
lol. That is really good.
When ever I see a brand new new math problem, I want to solve it. Then I want to burn it. Then I want to rebuild it in a new, more streamlined way.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
'And fun? If maths is fun, then getting a tooth extraction is fun. A viral infection is fun. Rabies shots are fun.'
'God exists because Mathematics is consistent, and the devil exists because we cannot prove it'
I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested.
That's a good one but most of the people I have used that on don't get it for a few seconds.
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well, I have others."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
"I love my cigar, too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
"I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home."
"I don't want to belong to any club that will accept people like me as a member."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early."
"Why should I care about posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Anyone who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot."
"I remember the first time I had gender - I kept the receipt."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Whatever it is, I'm against it!"
"If you fall out of that window and break both your legs, don't come running to me."