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#1 2015-01-11 16:46:14

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 21,812

Very short jokes!

1. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

2. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

3. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

4. A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.

5. What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.

6.15. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

7. How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

8. "I stand corrected," said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

9. Wanna hear a joke about Potassium? (whether they say 'yes' or 'no'): K.

10. There's no "I" in Denial.

11. Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

12. I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

13. What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.

14. Have I told you this deja vu joke before?

15. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be...


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#2 2015-01-13 16:54:28

Agnishom
Real Member
From: Riemann Sphere
Registered: 2011-01-29
Posts: 24,421
Website

Re: Very short jokes!

Nice jokes.

Variation on 15: Entropy isn't what it used to be.


'And fun? If maths is fun, then getting a tooth extraction is fun. A viral infection is fun. Rabies shots are fun.'
'God exists because Mathematics is consistent, and the devil exists because we cannot prove it'
I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested.

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#3 2015-01-13 23:13:13

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 21,812

Re: Very short jokes!

Thanks, Agnishom!

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Pull yourself together!
*******************
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge.
What's come over you?
Two cars and a bus!
*******************
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.
*******************
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball.
Get back in the queue.
*******************
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
*******************
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me.
One at a time, please.
********************.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture.
*******************


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#4 2015-01-24 02:27:56

pazzle
Member
Registered: 2015-01-24
Posts: 3

Re: Very short jokes!

good jokes. tnx smile

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#5 2015-01-24 16:55:49

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 21,812

Re: Very short jokes!

Thanks, pazzle!

*     *     *     *     *      *

A family took a trip to Disney World. After three exhausting days, they headed home. As they drove away, the son waved and said, “Goodbye, Mickey.”

The daughter waved and said, “Goodbye, Minnie.”

The husband waved, rather weakly, and said, “Goodbye, Money.”

*     *     *     *     *      *

Mrs. Peterson went to the doctor: “I’m terribly worried about my boy. He thinks he’s a chicken.”
The doctor asked, “And how long has this been going on?”
“Almost a year,” Mrs. Peterson replied.
“Well for goodness sakes! Why didn’t you bring him to see me sooner?”
“Because we needed the eggs!”

*     *     *     *     *      *

It was the end of the school year and Joey’s mother asked: “And were the exam questions difficult?”
“They weren’t bad at all,” her son replied. “It was the answers that gave me all the trouble.”

*     *     *     *     *      *

A doctor says to his patient, “I have a bad news and a worse news”.
“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” – asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That’s terrible,” said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

*     *     *     *     *      *

With a frown wrinkling his forehead, little Johnny was working hard at his father’s desk scratching a pen along a page of his paper. His mother asked, “Are you writing a letter to your little girlfriend, Son?”
“Nope,” he grunted, “It’s a letter to myself.”
“Well,” she smiled, “What are you going to write about?”
“How should I know?” he squeaked, “I haven’t received it yet.”

*     *     *     *     *      *

A man called his friend’s house and a small voice greeted him.
“Is your Daddy there?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Could I speak with him?”
“He’s busy,” the little voice replied.
“Well, can I speak to your mother?”
“Nope, she is busy, too.”
“Well then, let me talk with your brother.”
“He’s busy, too.”
“For goodness sakes, what are they so busy doing?”
“They are looking for me!”

*     *     *     *     *      *
What can you put in your right hand but not your left?
Your left elbow.


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#6 2015-01-24 22:09:42

Olinguito
Member
Registered: 2014-08-12
Posts: 648

Re: Very short jokes!

I like the chicken joke. big_smile


Bassaricyon neblina

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#7 2015-01-24 22:49:13

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 21,812

Re: Very short jokes!

Thanks, Olinguito!

*     *     *     *     *      *

Escalators don’t break down… they just turn into stairs.

*     *     *     *     *      *

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

*     *     *     *     *      *

I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was missing!

*     *     *     *     *      *

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


*     *     *     *     *      *

You can always double your drive space.
How?
By deleting Windows!


*     *     *     *     *      *

But for gravity, I'd be a high-flyer.


*     *     *     *     *      *

Girl: Do you hate me?
Boy: Nope, I don't.. I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.


*     *     *     *     *      *

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick!

*     *     *     *     *      *

Where are otters from?
Otter Space

*     *     *     *     *      *

'Are you athletic?' Yes, I surf the Web.

*     *     *     *     *      *

Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game?
Because all the fans have left.

*     *     *     *     *      *

I am forever alone.. Ops.. Correction, forever available.

*     *     *     *     *      *

So much to do, so little time.

*     *     *     *     *      *

It was love at first site - The love with Internet.

*     *     *     *     *      *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#8 2015-01-24 23:20:46

Agnishom
Real Member
From: Riemann Sphere
Registered: 2011-01-29
Posts: 24,421
Website

Re: Very short jokes!

You can always double your drive space.
How?
By deleting Window$

Everyone should do that!

Last edited by Agnishom (2015-01-24 23:21:17)


'And fun? If maths is fun, then getting a tooth extraction is fun. A viral infection is fun. Rabies shots are fun.'
'God exists because Mathematics is consistent, and the devil exists because we cannot prove it'
I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested.

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#9 2015-01-25 01:52:49

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 21,812

Re: Very short jokes!

Q: Why did the 30-60-90 triangle marry the 45-45-90 triangle?
A: They were right for each other

Q: Why didn't the Romans find algebra very challenging?
A: Because X was always 10

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi

Q: Why couldn't the angle get a loan?
A: His parents wouldn't Cosine.

Q: What is a bird's favorite type of math?
A: Owl-gebra

Q: What's the integral of (1/cabin)d(cabin)?
A: A natural log cabin!

Q: What do you call a man who spent all summer at the beach?
A: A Tangent.

Q: Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
A: It was a 'mean' thing to say!

Q: Why did the polynomial plant die?
A: Its roots were imaginary.

Q: Why does nobody talk to circles?
A: Because there is no point!

Q: Which triangles are the coldest?
A: Ice-sosceles triangles

Q: Who invented the Round Table?
A: Sir Cumference

Q: Why is Ms. Radian such a good reporter?
A: She covers the story from every angle.


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#10 2015-05-12 00:02:03

Olinguito
Member
Registered: 2014-08-12
Posts: 648

Re: Very short jokes!

Q: Why did the mushroom go to the party?

A: Because he was a fun guy.


Bassaricyon neblina

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#11 2015-11-10 09:50:41

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 21,812

Re: Very short jokes!

Q: Why are quantum physicists bad lovers?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

Q: What did the physicist snack on during lunch?
A: A 'gram' cracker.


Q: What did Donald Duck say in his graduate physics class?
A: Quark, quark, quark!

Q: What did one quantum physicist say when he wanted to fight another quantum physicist?
A: Let me atom

Q: Where does bad light end up?
A: In a prism

Q: What do physicists enjoy doing the most at sporting events?
A: The Wave

Q: What is the name of the first electricity detective?
A: Sherlock Ohms


Q: What did the Nuclear Physicist have for lunch?
A: Fission Chips.

Q: How many theoretical physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two... One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the universe.

Q: Two cats are on a roof. Which one slides off first?
A: The one with the smaller mew!

Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
A: They make up everything


Q: What is the name of the first electricity detective?
A: Sherlock Ohms

Q: What did one uranium-238 nucleus say to the other?
A: "Gotta split!"

Q: What is the simplest way to observe the optical Doppler effect?
A: Go out at and look at cars. The lights of the ones approaching you are white, while the lights of the ones moving away from you are red.

Q: Two cats are on a roof. Which one slides off first?
A: The one with the smaller mew!

Q: How many physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eleven. One to do it and ten to co-author the paper.

Q: What's the difference between an auto mechanic and a quantum mechanic?
A: The quantum mechanic can get the car inside the garage without opening the door.

Q: What is an astronomical unit?
A: One hell of a big apartment!

Q: What happens when electrons lose their energy?
A: They get Bohr'ed.

Q: When was Heisenberg born?
A: Oh, that's very uncertain.

Q: When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?
A: C over lambda.

Q: What did the Higgs Boson say when it was prevented from entering the church?
A: "How can you have mass without me?"

Q: Why is electricity so dangerous?
A: Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself properly.


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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