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#1 2018-03-02 18:36:23

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 24,261

Short Jokes

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
* * *
An infinite crowd of mathematicians enter a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second one orders half a pint, the third one orders a quarter pint. The bartender says, "I understand," and pours two pints.
* * *
While visiting a friend in the hospital, a young man notices several pretty nurses, each one of them wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asks one of them. “Oh! Nothing,” she says with a chuckle, “we just use it to keep the doctors away.”
* * *
A dentist told a mother, "I'm sorry madam, but I'll have to charge you a $100 for pulling your boy's tooth." The mother exclaimed, "A $100! You said it was only $20!" "Yes," replied the dentist, "but he yelled so loudly that he scared four other patients out of the office!"
* * *
One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?" He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?" Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"
* * *
Teacher: "Answer this math problem: if your father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?"
Student: "A heart attack."
* * *
There is a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!'' Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''
* * *
Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, "Mother, I've got a stomach ache." "That's because your stomach is empty," the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it." That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day. Susie perked up, "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."
* * *
Boy: Hey mum can I have 100 dollars?
Mum: Son money doesn't grow on trees
Boy: Where does money come from?
Mum: Paper
Boy: Does Paper come from?
Mum: ...
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#2 2018-03-10 15:44:56

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 24,261

Re: Short Jokes

A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life.
It was discovered in 1773."
A student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."
* * *
Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
* * *
What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?
They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.
* * *
I put my phone on airplane mode, but it sure ain't flyin'.
* * *
What do clouds do when they become rich?
They make it rain!
* * *
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hearty."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
* * *
Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."
* * *
Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."
* * *
A woman was taking an afternoon nap.
When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
* * *
A man needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order to make the horse go, you say, "Thank God," and for it to stop you say, "Amen." So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him towards the edge of a cliff. Just in time, he shouted "Amen!" and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge. "Whew," said the man, "thank God!"
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#3 2018-03-15 21:34:57

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 24,261

Re: Short Jokes

Mother is waking her son: “Paulie, come, wake up, you have to go to school.”
“Aw mom, just a bit more sleep, please.”
“No, it’s really high time, now get up.”
“But I don’t want to. The children annoy me and the teachers are a complete pain!”
“Stop it, now. Get up and off to school with you!”
“Mom, give me two good reasons why I should go to the stupid school.”
“Paulie, first of all, you’re 45, and second, you’re the headmaster.”
* * *
Teacher to Paul: “Wake up, Paul! You can’t sleep in class!”
Paul to teacher: “I could actually, it’s just that you’re a bit loud.”
* * *
Teacher asks the student: “Why are you so late?!”
Student: “Well I was crossing the road and suddenly it says “School ahead, go slowly!”
* * *
A child comes home dripping wet.
Mother: What on earth were you doing?!
Kid: We were playing dog with my friends and I was the tree.
* * *
Raphael runs to his father and starts talking to him urgently, “Dad, dad…”
His father turns to him angrily and says, “I’ve had it with you constantly interrupting me. From now on you’ll speak only when I’ve asked you something!”
Raphael thinks for a second and continues, “OK dad, can you please ask me if you’ve forgotten to put in the handbrake and if your car is now rolling down the road?”
* * *
Little Kevin rides his bike and yells at his mummy, “Look mom, I can ride the bike with just one hand!”
He goes by the second time and yells excitedly, “Mom, mom, look no hands at all!”
He comes the third time and proudly hollers, “Look mom, no teeth, either!”
* * *
Little Johnny walks into a pet store and asks the shop assistant: “Could you do me a big favor and throw me a fish please?”
“Why on Earth would you want me to throw you a fish?!”
“Because I want to tell everybody at home that I caught a fish."
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#4 2018-03-17 15:16:58

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 24,261

Re: Short Jokes

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday.
Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner.
Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid.
"A bottle of scotch?"
His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."
* * *
Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?"
Simon: "No Mis."
* * *
A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.
The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer scientist: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..."
* * *
Teacher: What is the formula for water?
Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.
Teacher: That's not what I taught you.
Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.
* * *
Father: What did you do in school today?
Son: We played a guessing game!
Father: I thought you had your math exam.
Son: Exactly!
* * *
A mathematician, an engineer, and a computer scientist are vacationing together.
They are riding in a car, enjoying the countryside, when suddenly the engine stops working.
The mathematician: "We came past a gas station a few minutes ago.
Someone should go back and ask for help." The engineer: "I should have a look at the engine. Perhaps, I can fix it."
The computer scientist: "Why don't we just open the doors, slam them shut, and see if everything works again?"
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#5 2018-03-21 14:53:42

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 24,261

Re: Short Jokes

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a cat sitting next to him.
"Are you a cat?" asked the man, surprised.
"Yes."
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The cat replied, "Well, I liked the book."
* * *
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a Siberian Lynx in the front seat.
"What are you doing with that Siberian Lynx?"
He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the cat again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses.
The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that cat to the zoo!"
The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"
* * *
One day a lady took a dingo to the veterinarian.
The doctor looked at the dingo and shook his head.
"I'm sorry your dingo is dead" said the doctor.
"How could you be so sure" the lady said.
So the man left the room and come back with a labrodor retriever.
It stood up on its hind legs and sniffed the dingo and shook its head.
The doctor left the room again and come back with a cat.
The cat also sniffed the dingo and shook its head.
The doctor said that the dingo was 100% dead.
With the lady still in shock, the doctor handed the bill to the lady.
"$400, why $400?".
The doctor replied "If you had've believed me first it would of been $60".
"But why still" the lady insists.
To which the doctor says "Because you had a lab report and a cat scan!"
* * *
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
The dog replied, "but that would make no sense at all!"
* * *
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck.
She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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