More clean jokes!

Jai Ganesh · 2008-05-15 19:35:53

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

* * * * * *

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles! Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon!"

* * * * * *

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement. When his plane
arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home in Montreal.

As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would
you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."
"Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway.

A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and got out of his patrol car to
begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down
he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know
that important people are sometimes given certain courtesies.
I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

"The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"

The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."

The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president."

The young trooper said, "Not, he's even more important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus because he's got Billy Graham
for a chauffeur !!!!!

* * * * * *

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

* * * * * *

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,
"What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

* * * * * *

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule:

Don't hit the ducks.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?"

"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all squawkin to beat the band, and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."

After entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere.
Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked "Who hit the duck?"

The one who had done it admitted "I did."

Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said.

"Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had hit the duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand.

"I told you not to hit the ducks", he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to deserve this?"

The woman responded "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."

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#1 2008-05-15 19:35:53

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