Joke of the day

SvenBee · 2008-05-04 14:48:17

I'll try and get a new one up every day, but I'm not always able to get to a computer every day. Anyways, enjoy.

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lily pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. Its in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. Are you gonna play golf? he asks Or are you just gonna fool around?

JaneFairfax · 2008-05-05 05:56:40

Isnt Jesus cheating?

SvenBee · 2008-05-05 12:13:20

Define cheating...

Define Jesus...

Define Isn't...

Now for today's joke:

Two dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport. After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits, Suddenly things started to happen, and they caught their limit inside of twenty minutes. Paul said, "Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we will know where to come", Jim says good idea, and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the floor of the boat....to mark the spot.... With that Paul says, why did you do that, now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish.

JohnnyReinB · 2008-05-05 15:14:35

...or maybe they'll get different boat next time...

MathsIsFun · 2008-05-05 16:49:41

Silly ... they should have marked which SIDE of the boat they were getting the best fish from.

JaneFairfax · 2008-05-05 21:53:19

There is a Chinese anecdote about a man who actually did such a thing. He was on a boat trip when he accidentally dropped his sword into the water. He then marked a notch at the side of the boat where the sword had dropped. Meanwhile the boat continued moving. When it stopped, the man dived into the water at the marked spot to look for his sword but of course he came up with nothing.

The Chinese saying 刻舟求剑 (kè zhōu qiú jiàn), literally mark boat to seek sword, refers to the stupidity of acting without thinking about the consequences of ones actions.

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/%E5%88%BB … 2%E5%89%91

SvenBee · 2008-05-06 02:06:04

Actually up before the crack of noon today. XD (This is what being off school does to me) Anyways here's an early one:

A husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his mother-in-law. As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said: Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway. I know he replied, I thought I saw her move!

SvenBee · 2008-05-06 22:30:30

Up early again today, but this time it's for my AP calc AB exam O.o
Wish me luck and here's the joke for today:

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it for the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."

Identity · 2008-05-06 23:03:59

Good luck on your exam svenbee!!!

Ricky · 2008-05-06 23:47:44

Would be better with a "you have 2 years to live" premise, but that's just my opinion.

blank_brunette · 2008-05-07 11:48:00

i dont understand it......

JaneFairfax · 2008-05-07 12:32:56

blank_brunette wrote:

i dont understand it......

By becoming a lawyer just before he died, the old man ensured that when he died the total number of lawyers in the world would go down by 1.

Of course, there was really no net difference when you consider that just before the man died, the total number of lawyers in the world had gone up by 1 (namely the old man himself became a lawyer). The old mans pleasure however lay in seeing the number come down so much so that he was prepared to make it go up just to see it come down again.

SvenBee · 2008-05-07 13:16:36

Anyways, that AP Exam today... A good analogy would be to say that the test bent me over the desk and wailed mercilessly on my rear with a steak tenderizer. So.... Hope everyone else had a good day. O.o

SvenBee · 2008-05-08 03:04:00

Hope everyone had (or is having, it's still morning here) a good morning a day to follow suit, here's the joke for today:

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Heres that $20 I owe you," he says.

MathsIsFun · 2008-05-08 09:16:59

Smart guy!

SvenBee · 2008-05-09 01:23:39

All right guys I'm SUPER excited today: it's graduation today!!!! I'm done with high school WOO HOO!!!!! Anyways, having gotten that out of the way and now I won't explode, here's today's joke:

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Ok, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "whats on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go roof." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

coconut · 2008-05-09 10:41:48

poor doggie no 1 ever thoughthe could talk except 4 that owner

JohnnyReinB · 2008-05-09 15:47:02

He really should have said DiMaggio, don't you think?

SvenBee · 2008-05-10 04:47:48

Woot! Official high school graduate here. I can proudly say that I finished 5th in my class (even though it's only out of 115 ppl or so). Can't wait to start college. Woo times flies!! Here's today's joke:

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"
"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

John E. Franklin · 2008-05-10 06:05:13

In the Jesus and St. Peter one playing golf.
Both of them might be cheating.
For instance, St. Peter might have had an
influence on Jesus, and perhaps it is St. Peter
who affected the frog as well. There is no
way to know why things occur!

Last edited by John E. Franklin (2008-05-10 06:05:52)

SvenBee · 2008-05-11 12:24:49

Well... Post-grad parties that go on for 2 days straight... enough said about that, here's the joke for today:

Two friends:
- I heard that you have made a band.
- Yes, it's a quartet.
- How many of you are there?
- There are three.
- Three?
- Me and my brother.
- You have a brother?
- No, why do you ask?

JohnnyReinB · 2008-05-11 22:14:12

In the end... is he really there?

MathsIsFun · 2008-05-11 23:25:40

SvenBee wrote:

Woot! Official high school graduate here. I can proudly say that I finished 5th in my class....

Congratulations, and very well done indeed.

SvenBee · 2008-05-12 01:23:03

Thank you very much mathisfun. Just so everyone knows I'll be here asking for lots of help in the future (I plan to be a math major), I'm going to college at WPI (Worcester Polytech Institute) in Mass. if anyone is familiar with it tell me the ups and downs. Anyways here's today's joke:

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"
The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you that old liar told you I was speeding, too!"

SvenBee · 2008-05-12 02:42:17

I'm feeling a funny picture today as well, this is for those blonde mathematicians out there XD :

Math Is Fun Forum

#1 2008-05-04 14:48:17

Joke of the day

#2 2008-05-05 05:56:40

Re: Joke of the day

#3 2008-05-05 12:13:20

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#4 2008-05-05 15:14:35

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#5 2008-05-05 16:49:41

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#6 2008-05-05 21:53:19

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#7 2008-05-06 02:06:04

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#8 2008-05-06 22:30:30

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#9 2008-05-06 23:03:59

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#11 2008-05-07 11:48:00

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#12 2008-05-07 12:32:56

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#13 2008-05-07 13:16:36

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#14 2008-05-08 03:04:00

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#16 2008-05-09 01:23:39

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#17 2008-05-09 10:41:48

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#18 2008-05-09 15:47:02

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