Joke of the day

SvenBee · 2008-05-13 04:17:30

All right I'm getting back into the swing of things, aka. waking up before 11 on average. =P Also, I threw 4 under par playing disc golf, I'm proud even though my other two friends threw 6 and 9 under. XD Enough of that thought, here's today's joke:

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.
"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!

Jai Ganesh · 2008-05-13 18:35:34

Good one

luca-deltodesco · 2008-05-13 19:00:24

haha, some of these are pretty good ^^

SvenBee · 2008-05-14 03:22:43

Gee thanks I try Here's today's joke (Hope it meets your standards ), this is not so much a joke as something that really happened but when I tell it people will think I've made it up. Here it goes anyways:

My friend Matt and I were in the checkout line at Walmart and he's holding a 20lb bag of dog food. We are chatting when this woman behind up clears her throat loudly and asks if he owned a dog. Now there's something you need to know about my friend Matt, he's about the most sarcastic person you're likely to ever meet besides me of course. Anyways he turns to her and says, "No, I was just thinking about getting back on the Purina diet. Last time I was on it I lost a good 40lbs. It's quite simple, carry around some of the dog food in your pocked and eat a bit when you get hungry. It's nutritional and filling." By this time everyone in our lane and the neighboring one's is pretty much enraptured by his story. He continues, "There was one problem though. Towards the end of the diet I woke up in the hospital with tubes coming out of me and an enormous IV." The woman is shocked and asks, "What happened, the dog food can't be that bad for you?" He replies, "It's not, I was walking home one day and stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and we both got hit by a truck!" The woman turns bright red and promptly leaves the line and everyone else can't stop laughing.
The reason that this is so funny is because it really happened and that Matt put so much effort into drawing out this story just to make that woman look stupid. This story never gets old.

luca-deltodesco · 2008-05-14 03:29:22

Matt sounds like a barrel of fun

Ricky · 2008-05-14 04:35:28

Friend of mine was reading a book outside with his back against a tree, enjoying the shade. Suddenly, he noticed a rather large dog coming at him. He jumps to his feet, turns, and runs...straight into the tree he was sitting under. He broke his nose and was knocked unconscious. When he awoke, the dog was at his feet licking his shoes.

So many tree jokes followed this...

SvenBee · 2008-05-14 15:12:17

O.o

MathsIsFun · 2008-05-14 15:26:12

Both hilarious!

SvenBee · 2008-05-15 03:38:01

Here's today's joke, enjoy:

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

JaneFairfax · 2008-05-15 06:49:35

Ive heard that one before. Its from The Three Stooges, right?

Last edited by JaneFairfax (2008-05-15 08:53:06)

SvenBee · 2008-05-15 07:11:50

It sure is. Instant classic.

MathsIsFun · 2008-05-15 09:27:30

Patient: "Doc! I have become invisible!"
Doctor: "Sorry, I can't see you right now".

SvenBee · 2008-05-16 00:42:44

Work early this morning, blah. Here's the joke for today:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesnt seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: My friend is dead! What can I do?

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure hes dead.

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guys voice comes back on the line. He says: Okay, now what?

JohnnyReinB · 2008-05-16 19:34:18

That joke is said to be the funniest one in the world. Whether that means that it's the one that will create the loudest laugh, or make the most people giggle (at the very least), is still under debate.

Last edited by JohnnyReinB (2008-05-16 19:37:21)

SvenBee · 2008-05-17 05:05:00

Two weeks left until my trip to Hawaii!!! I'm counting down the seconds. Anyone ever been there? If you have tell me your opinions and must see attractions, etc. Thanks a lot in advance, now for today's joke:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes, replies Watson.
And what do you deduce from that?
Watson ponders for a minute.
Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?
Holmes is silent for a moment. Watson, you idiot! he says. Someone has stolen our tent!

SvenBee · 2008-05-18 11:25:25

LONG day at work today. It isn't often that both jobs fall on the same day, but when it does, it's a doozy! Anywho, I hope everyone is having a great day and that you enjoy this joke:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies: Yeah, well we were married 35 years.

SvenBee · 2008-05-20 02:34:28

Here's today's joke:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

mathsyperson · 2008-05-20 10:06:45

The funny thing is that normal pens actually do work in zero gravity. The scientists tested them by trying to write upside-down with them (ie. how you would write if for some reason you wanted to write on your ceiling), but that's effectively under "negative gravity", and so they didn't work.
Zero gravity is fine, because the pen rubbing on the paper creates a small suction that pulls the ink out, as long as there are no other forces keeping it in.

The doubly-funny thing is that using pencils doesn't work, because if the lead snaps off then it could float into machinery or people's eyes and so it's far too dangerous to send up.

(Thankyou Qi. )

SvenBee · 2008-05-20 12:46:05

:d

SvenBee · 2008-05-21 03:19:25

Here is today's joke:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: Thats the ugliest baby that Ive ever seen. Ugh! The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: The driver just insulted me! The man says: You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, Ill hold your monkey for you.

SvenBee · 2008-05-22 02:34:41

Work, work, work. It seems that's all I've been doing lately. So let me apologize for not contributing more to the forums lately. O.o That aside here's today's joke:

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! Whats WRONG with me, Doctor!?
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: Well, I can tell you that there aint nothing wrong with your eyesight.

Jai Ganesh · 2008-05-22 02:58:47

MathsIsFun · 2008-05-22 10:22:51

The baby one got a big laugh when I retold it.

SvenBee · 2008-05-24 03:40:59

Sorry I worked for 18 hours yesterday with only a 10 minute break. :\ So I didn't get the joke up because I came home and went straight to sleep. Anyways here you go:

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

And here's one from a friend:

Old mathematicians never die... They just lose some of their functions.

Have a great day everyone.

SvenBee · 2008-05-28 09:56:15

Sorry I missed the last couple of days with the jokes. My granmother has been in the hospital and I haven't been on the computer in quite a few days. Anyways, here it is:

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

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