Jokes galore......

Jai Ganesh · 2008-12-28 01:17:57

How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?
Just say "Fees!"

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Ignorance of the law excuses no man - from practicing it. - Adison Mizner

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A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, I love my BMW, I love my BMW. Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. My BMW! My BMW! he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, Sir, sir, youre bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!

The lawyer, horrified, screamed My Rolex! My Rolex!

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A guy phones a law firm and says, I want to speak to my lawyer.
The receptionist says, Im sorry, but your lawyer died last week.
The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, I want to speak to my lawyer. Once again the receptionist replies, Im sorry, but your lawyer died last week.
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, I want to speak to my lawyer.
Excuse me sir, the receptionist says, but this is third time Ive had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?
The guy replies, Because I love hearing it!

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A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, Thats Strange.

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An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

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A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.
"Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.
"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.
"Your right. It's mine."

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A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

Tigeree · 2008-12-28 13:46:59

LOL!! nice 1's ganesh.
Although I think u could have used the word "lawyer"(s) in the title of this thread seen as though they're all about lawyers
But they were still funny!!!

I wonder were I can find a brain store? although it sounds a bit scary.

Jai Ganesh · 2008-12-29 04:00:25

Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
A: If you aim it well enough.

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Student doctor: 'Please sir, there's some writing on this patient's foot.'
Famous surgeon: 'Ah, yes! That's a footnote.'

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'Doctor, doctor! I'm terribly worried. I keep seeing pink striped crocodiles every time I try to get to sleep.'
'Have you seen a psychiatrist?'
'No - only pink striped crocodiles.'

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Patient: 'And when my right arm is quite better, will I be able to play the trumpet?'
Doctor: 'Most certainly - you should be able to play it with ease.
Patient: 'That's wonderful - I could never play it before.'

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Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!

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Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?

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Jai Ganesh · 2008-12-29 20:28:44

STUDENT WRITES HOME HINTING HE NEEDS MONEY

Dear Father,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad
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There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight.

The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
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Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms--so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the University of Virginia to party with some friends.

They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virginia for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be an easy final". They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tire?

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Let's face it, English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant.
No ham in the hamburger.
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
And French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down.
And in which you fill in a form,
By filling it out.
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers.
And it reflects the creativity of the human race.
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why,
When the stars are out, they are visible
But when the lights are out, they are invisible
And it's why when I wind up my watch,
It starts.
But when I wind up this poem,
It ends.

Tigeree · 2009-01-06 15:51:21

LOL!!! OMG They were soooo good. but i don't get the medieval joke & I've always known that English is a stupid language but i speak it anyways.

luca-deltodesco · 2009-01-06 19:52:04

Tigeree wrote:

but i don't get the medieval joke

"proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides."

Playing with the words a bit based on the pronunciation of them and the context.

Proving that the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides

Which is the pythagorean theorem.

Tigeree · 2009-01-13 17:37:21

ohhhhh ok. makes sense now. high pot and noose! lol

Jai Ganesh · 2009-01-14 00:34:16

Doctor: Yes, what is it I can do for you?
Patient : Doctor, yesterday, when I was doing my yoga, one of my friends told me that if I did this particular exercise, all my body's blood would go into my head. But, when I stand, why doesn't anyone say that all the blood
would go into the legs?
Doctor: The fact's your legs are not that hollow as your head is.
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The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, "I cannot
hide the fact that your are very ill, my man. Is there any one you would
like to see?".
"Yes," replied the patient faintly, "Another doctor".

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Doctor to woman: What is the matter about your husband?
Woman: He is worrying about money.
Doctor: I think I can relieve him of that.

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Patient to friend: I went to the doctor today to help me regarding my loss of memory.
Friend: What did he do?
Patient: He made me pay him in advance.

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Doctor: Tell your wife not to worry about the slight deafness. It is only
an indication of old age.
Husband: Doctor, would you please tell this to her yourself?
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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in."OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

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There are several different kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method:General Practitioners know nothing and do little.Surgeons know little and do everything.Internists know everything and do nothing.Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.

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Q: Does an elephant ever forget?
A: Only if you lend him money.
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Q: Why don't elephants use cellular phones?
A: So the rest of the world won't know their plans.
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Q: Why do penguins live in the Arctic?
A: Because they can't fly to Florida like the rest of the old birds.

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A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him."Why do we have to learn this stuff?" the frustrated student blurted out."To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"The professor stared at the student without saying a word. "Physics saves lives," he finally continued, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."

JaneFairfax · 2009-01-14 01:25:45

ganesh wrote:

Q: Why do penguins live in the Arctic?

THEY DONT!! THEY LIVE IN THE OTHER HEMISPHERE!

Also, vampire bats do not see. They use echolocation! Whoever made those ignoramus jokes deserves to have their throat slit!

Last edited by JaneFairfax (2009-01-14 02:10:03)

JaneFairfax · 2009-01-14 01:32:05

ganesh wrote:

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him."Why do we have to learn this stuff?" the frustrated student blurted out."To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"The professor stared at the student without saying a word. "Physics saves lives," he finally continued, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."

Here is a poem by Emily Dickinson about saving another persons life.

Surgeons must be very careful
When they take the knife!
Underneath their fine incisions
Stirs the Culprit,Life!

I think thats brilliant. She is blaming Life for all the problems surgeons have to face. If they hadnt had to save Life, those poor surgeons wouldnt have had to be put under all that pressure. I think its brilliantly done indeed.

Jai Ganesh · 2009-01-14 01:59:19

JaneFairfax wrote:

Whoever made those igmoramus jokes deserves to have their throat slit!

In English language what you meant is spelt 'IGNORAMUS'. Thank God, you didn't say those who posted them. When I try to do too much in less time, I tend to make mistakes and overlook the mistakes made in what I gather from some other sources.
A mistake is a mistake, however harmless it is, and I apologise for my comitting such stupid and avoidable mistakes.

JaneFairfax · 2009-01-14 02:07:23

I am not blaming you, Im blaming those who came up with those jokes! They are the ones who are ignoramuses!

Last edited by JaneFairfax (2009-01-15 00:40:30)

lightning · 2009-01-14 07:04:08

you're joking....right?

JaneFairfax · 2009-01-14 09:31:28

Maybe. But I think, if you want to make a joke, at least make a proper joke.

All right, I concede that the vampire bat joke is okay. For the purposes of joke-telling, we may adopt a naïve standpoint and assume that the bats in the joke can see and dont need echolocation.

Penguin jokes should be something like Why are there no penguins in the North Pole? or Why do penguins live in the South Pole?. Not why they live where they dont!! Math the stupid retard who came up with that stupid piece of math, I say!

Last edited by JaneFairfax (2009-01-14 09:40:32)

lightning · 2009-01-14 09:37:45

is the artic not in the south/north pole?

JaneFairfax · 2009-01-14 09:41:23

Pay attention in your geography lessons.

lightning · 2009-01-15 08:09:45

we are doing antartica, the artic is in the top, isnt it?

i am going to take the biggest est of my life!

im picking geography over history
physics
svs or excel im not quite sure what they are, but svs so far
um, NEVER DRAMA!! i hate it!

and i cant remember my timetable, so thats it so far.

i have a joke (my friend told me it) but....

JaneFairfax · 2009-01-15 08:34:48

Yay! I also prefer geography to history.

lightning · 2009-01-15 09:11:07

i picked it beacuse i think it will go further in my life, i dont think i will need history very much.

JaneFairfax · 2009-01-15 09:25:12

I like geography because it is closely related to geology and I am keenly interested in geology.

On the other hand, history can be a rather biased subject it often depends on who is writing it.

lightning · 2009-01-15 09:41:04

no i mean when is anyone in a interveiw room going to ask me 'and you know about the civil war, yes?' unless im in a museum which i dont think i will.

JaneFairfax · 2009-01-15 10:23:25

And you know about the Civil War, yes?

lightning · 2009-01-16 03:45:10

LOL!

nope, i know nothing about the civil war.. oh oh i know i know! maybe if i ask White_Wolf REALLY nicely, he might explain. he said he is a geography teacher! look!

http://www.mathisfunforum.com/viewtopic … =11198&p=1

Tigeree · 2009-01-20 18:58:56

I like geography just as much as history, White_Wolf is a history teacher not a geography teacher. & Nice swearing Jane! (post 14) *muffled giggles* *oh darn i hope she didn't read that*

lightning · 2009-01-21 00:54:59

is the Civil war a place??!

Math Is Fun Forum

#1 2008-12-28 01:17:57

Jokes galore......

#2 2008-12-28 13:46:59

Re: Jokes galore......

#3 2008-12-29 04:00:25

Re: Jokes galore......

#4 2008-12-29 20:28:44

Re: Jokes galore......

#5 2009-01-06 15:51:21

Re: Jokes galore......

#6 2009-01-06 19:52:04

Re: Jokes galore......

#7 2009-01-13 17:37:21

Re: Jokes galore......

#8 2009-01-14 00:34:16

Re: Jokes galore......

#9 2009-01-14 01:25:45

Re: Jokes galore......

#10 2009-01-14 01:32:05

Re: Jokes galore......

#11 2009-01-14 01:59:19

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#12 2009-01-14 02:07:23

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#13 2009-01-14 07:04:08

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#14 2009-01-14 09:31:28

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#15 2009-01-14 09:37:45

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#16 2009-01-14 09:41:23

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#17 2009-01-15 08:09:45

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#18 2009-01-15 08:34:48

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#19 2009-01-15 09:11:07

Re: Jokes galore......

#20 2009-01-15 09:25:12

Re: Jokes galore......

#21 2009-01-15 09:41:04

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#22 2009-01-15 10:23:25

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#23 2009-01-16 03:45:10

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#24 2009-01-20 18:58:56

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#25 2009-01-21 00:54:59

Re: Jokes galore......

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