Jokes galore......

Jai Ganesh · 2009-03-19 06:09:39

Girl to fireman: "It must have taken a lot of courage to rescue me the way you did."

Fireman: "yes, I had to knock down three other guys who wanted to do it."

Jai Ganesh · 2009-03-19 07:20:22

A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says "I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys." The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000. Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?" The man answers, "I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?"

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A lady had three sons in law.
To know whether each one of them loved her or not, she took one of them to a lake and pretended to be drowned. The son in law saved her. Next morning a Honda City was at his house stating,
"Thanks-Mother In Law".
She did the same with second son in law. The same thing happened and the second son in law got the same gift.
She took the third son in law to the same lake and did the same. But the third son in law did not do the same. He let her drown. The next morning he got a Mercedeez Benz at his house stating,
"Thanks-Father in Law".
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A doctor tells his patient -
"I've got some good news and I've got some bad news for you".

The patient asks, "What's the good news, Doc?"

The doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you!"
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The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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Baker (to a lady customer) : Madam, shall I cut the cake into 6 or 12 pieces.
Lady : No, cut it into 4 pieces only. I am dieting.
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An Irish man walks into a bar and there's a 7 foot tall Bar Tender there. The Bar Tender punches the Irish Man on the face. The Irish man falls on the floor.

He finally get up and says to the Bar Tender, "Listen Mate, was that a joke or were you serious?"

The bar tender replies, "I was serious"

"You better have been serious, cos I don't like jokes like that".

Jai Ganesh · 2009-03-23 02:43:48

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

Jai Ganesh · 2009-03-24 16:51:22

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, You are really ugly,"
The lady was furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly," She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly,"
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and to get rid of the bird if they didn't do something about it. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
And the bird replied, "You know."

Jai Ganesh · 2009-03-24 22:17:23

A young woman was traveling with her infant son on a train when a man walking down the aisle abruptly halted in front of her, did a double take, and exclaimed, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." The woman burst into tears, and the conductor who heard her crying tried to console her. "Don't worry about what inconsiderate people have to say; they're just being uncouth. Here, here's a banana for your monkey."

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A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Owe, that hurts."

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."

Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ouch, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor thought for a moment and told her his diagnosis; "You have a broken index finger."

Jai Ganesh · 2009-03-26 06:30:59

Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger who looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nikes. His friend looked at him.
''Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?''

''I don't have to run faster than that tiger,'' his friend replied. ''I just have to run faster than you.''

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A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartenders says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

Jai Ganesh · 2009-03-27 20:46:24

A traffic policeman stops Maggie and asks to see her driving licence.

'Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.'
'Well, Officer,' explains Maggie, 'I have contacts.'

'Lady, I don't care who you know, you're still going to get a ticket.'

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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?'

The first man approached him and said, 'Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?'

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied........ 'My wife's first husband.'

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Mark, a five-year-old, couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the film we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea."

The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, his grandfather interrupted Mark, 'What caused the submarine to sink?'

With a look of incredulity Mark replied, 'Grandpa, it was the 20,000 leaks!'

Jai Ganesh · 2009-03-29 03:40:13

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

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A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year."
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A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

White_Wolf · 2009-04-02 06:06:15

Lol!!

Math Is Fun Forum

#51 2009-03-19 06:09:39

Re: Jokes galore......

#52 2009-03-19 07:20:22

Re: Jokes galore......

#53 2009-03-23 02:43:48

Re: Jokes galore......

#54 2009-03-24 16:51:22

Re: Jokes galore......

#55 2009-03-24 22:17:23

Re: Jokes galore......

#56 2009-03-26 06:30:59

Re: Jokes galore......

#57 2009-03-27 20:46:24

Re: Jokes galore......

#58 2009-03-29 03:40:13

Re: Jokes galore......

#59 2009-04-02 06:06:15

Re: Jokes galore......

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