Religious Jokes

soroban · 2009-07-20 11:00:28

Jesus and Moses were playing golf at a California country club.

Jesus prepared to drive His ball over a water hazard.
Moses said, "I'd shoot around the hazard."
Jesus said, "Tiger Wood made this very shot last week.
If he can do it, I can do it."

Jesus' shot landed in the water.
"Please get the ball, Moses," said Jesus.
"Okay, just this once," said Moses as he parted the waters.
He retrieved the ball and handed it back to the Lord.
"Shoot around it," said Moses.

Jesus said, "Tiger Wood made this shot.
If he can do it, I can do it."

And Jesus' second shot went into the water.
"Well," said Moses, "You can get the ball yourself."

Jesus walked out on the water, looking for His ball.

Just then a foursome came up behind them.
One of them pointed at the Man walking on the water
and said, "Who does He think is? Jesus Christ?"

"No," said Moses, "He thinks He's Tiger Wood."
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Last edited by soroban (2009-07-20 14:47:16)

soroban · 2009-07-20 13:24:45

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A man approached the Pearly Gates dragging a heavy suitcase.

Saint Peter said, "You'll can leave your earthly goods outside.
Everything you want or need will be provided here."

The man said, "I spent my life collecting these. I'll not give them up!"

So Saint Peter opened the gate and the man lugged the suitcase in.

He paused to catch his breath and opened the suitcase.
There were fifty bars of the purest gold.
"There!" said the man. "See?"

Saint Peter looked puzzled.
"You brought pavement?"
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Last edited by soroban (2009-07-20 14:45:43)

soroban · 2009-07-20 15:06:29

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Three men were discussing their respective faiths.

The Arab said, "About ten years ago, I was riding my camel in the desert.
Suddenly a sandstorm blew in and began burying me in the sand.
I prayed to Allah to help me, and suddently for a hundred feet around me
the air was calm and serene. Eventually the sandstorm died down and I survived.
Since then I have been a devout Muslim."

The Englishman said, "I have a similar story. I was deep-sea fishing in my yacht
when a hurricane blew in without warning. My ship was beginning to sink.
I prayed to God to help me, and suddenly for a hundred feet around me
the sea was calm. I rode out the storm and eventually returned to port.
Since then I have been devout Christian."

The Jew said, "Funny thing! I was walking down the street one day and
I found a briefcase in the gutter. Opening it, I found it full of hundred-dollar
bills. Howver, this was on a Saturday and we are not allowed to do any
business transactions on our Sabbath. So I prayed to Jehovah to help me.
And suddenly for a hunrdred feet around me, it was Tuesday."

.

soroban · 2009-07-21 08:11:01

A man went to see his rabbi.

"Rabbi, I raised my son to be a good Jew," he said.
I taught him the ways of Judaism.
And now he wants to be a Christian.
What should I do?"

"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi.
"I had the very same problem.
I raised my son to be a good Jew.
I taught him the ways of Judaism.
And he wanted to be a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the man.

"I asked God for guidance," said the rabbi.

"And what did God say?"

"He said, 'Funny you should ask ...' "
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Tigeree · 2009-07-21 17:58:48

hehe! very amusing, soroban, although the second one kind confuses me...

soroban · 2009-07-22 05:05:05

Hello, Tigeree!

. . . although the second one kind confuses me.

In Heaven, the streets are paved with gold . . . Remember?

And thank you for the response.
I was beginning to wonder if I had offended everyone.

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Last edited by soroban (2009-07-22 05:23:07)

quittyqat · 2009-07-22 07:53:11

Ha! Did you make these up?

soroban · 2009-07-22 08:19:26

Hello, quittyqat!

Roflol Ha! Did you make these up?

Nope . . . but I wish I did.
I found them here and there on the 'Net.

Here's another:

Jesus was strolling around Heaven
and saw a sad old man shuffling along.

"Why are you sad, sir?" Jesus asked, "Arem't you happy here?"

"Oh, Heaven is truly a wonderful place and I'm very happy here.
Well, except for one thing. I lost my son many years ago.
I assumed he'd be here, but I haven't found him yet."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Jesus. "If you describe him,
I can get othrs to help look for him."

"Oh, thank you, Jesus." said the old man.
"Well, I was a woodworker and so was my son."

"I see," said Jesus.

"He also had holes in his hands and feet."

"Really?" said Jesus.

"Then he went through a miraculous transformation
and I havent't seen him since."

Jesus' eyes filled with tears.
He held out His arms and said, "Father!"

The old man smiled broadly, hugged Him. and said, "Pinocchio!"
.

soroban · 2009-07-23 08:52:16

Jesus walked into the town square where the people
were about to stone a woman for infidelity.

He stood before them and said,
"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

The townspeople looked down, feeling ashamed.
Suddenly a stone was thrown from the back of the crowd
and struck the woman, knocking her down.

Jesus looked at the perpetrator, put His hands on His hips
and said, "That's not funny, Mom."

.

Tigeree · 2009-07-23 19:13:40

soroban wrote:

In Heaven, the streets are paved with gold . . . Remember?

They are?... Oh yeah! I remember a Simpson's episode with that once!

soroban wrote:

And thank you for the response.

Your welcome!

soroban wrote:

I was beginning to wonder if I had offended everyone.

.

No one who's replied!

soroban · 2009-07-24 03:14:26

.
Sister Mary and Sister Eva went grocery shopping one evening.
While driving home, a vampire swooped down and landed on their hood.

Sister Mary sweved the car back and forth violently, but the vampire held on.

"Sister Eva!" she shouted, "Throw our garlic at him."
Sister Eva leaned out her window and threw handfuls of garlic at him.
He winced and snarled but held on.

"Sister Eva! . Throw our holy water on him!"
Sister Eva lean out and sprayed their flask of holy water on him.
His face was covered with steaming welts, but he still held on.

"Sister Eva! . Show him your cross!"
Sister Eva leaned out, shook her fist and said, "Get off our #%$@ car!"
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Tigeree · 2009-07-24 13:54:39

Hahahaha! very nice, soroban! Very funny!

soroban · 2009-07-25 08:42:43

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Centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Jews had to leave Rome.
There was, of curse, a huge outcry from the Jewish community.
The Pope agreed to have a debate wth a leader of the Jews.
If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews could stay.
If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave Rome.

The Jewish leaders met and could not decide on a representative.
In exasperation, they chose Moishe, a modest matzo baker.

Since the Pope did not speak Yiddish and Moishe knew no Latin,
it was agreed that it was to be a "silent" debate.

On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Moishe sat opposite
each other for a full minute.

Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next the Pope raised a finger and move in it a circle over his head.
Moishe pointed at the floor.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine.
Moishe took out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate.
This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."

Later the Cardinals asked, "Your Holiness, what happened?"

The Pope said, "I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that
there was still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around to show him that God was
all around us. He pointed to the ground to tell me that
God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine
and wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin.
He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the rabbis were asking Moishe what happened.

"Well," said Moishe, "He said, 'You Jews have three days
to get out of Italy.' And I shot him a bird."

"Then he said, "The whole city will be cleared of Jews.'
And I said 'No, we're staying right here.'"

"Then what happened?" asked a rabbi.

"Who knows? said Moishe. "We broke for lunch."

soroban · 2009-09-12 02:09:52

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Abe and Sol walked by a Catholic church.
The sign said, "Covert to Catholicism and get $1000."

Abe said, "So, nu? What do you think?"
"I don't know," said Sol, "I'll find out," and went inside.

An hour later, Sol came out.
Abe said, "Well?"
Sol said, "I'm a Catholic now."
Abe said, "So did you get the thousand dollars?"
Sol said, "Is that all you people think about?"
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Ubergeek · 2009-09-12 08:58:04

Hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahha.... takes a breath ...hahahahahhahahahahahha

soroban · 2009-09-13 11:08:19

.
Forrest Gump arrivfes at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter says, "Welcome, Forrest! We've heard so much about you.
But I must warn you that we have an entrance exam here.
There are four questions and you must get all of them right."

Forrest says, "Sure nice to be here, St. Peter.
I hope that test ain't too hard. I didn't get much schoolin'."

"Well, Forrest," says St. Peter, "Do the best you can, okay?
Here's the first question: Which months have 28 days?"

"All o' them," says Forrest.

"Hmmm, that's not the answer I expecterd, but technically you're right.
Okay, here's the second question: What days of the week begin with the letter T?"

"Why, that would be Today and Tomorrow," says Forrest.

"Umm, you've got a point there, Forrest, so okay.
Here's question three: How seconds ijn a year?"

"That's harder, St. Peter. But I think there are twelve."

"Twelve? How did you get twelve?"

"Well, there's January second, February second, . . ."

"Okay!" says St. Peter, "I see where you're gong with this.
I'll give you credit for that one, too.
Here's the last question: What is God's first name?"

"Andy," said Forrest.

"Okay, okay!" said St. Peter, "I understand how you got
the other answers, but how did you get Andy?"

"I learnt it in a song at Sunday School:
'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me . . . "

.

Tigeree · 2009-09-13 18:46:41

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! There real good ones, soroban.

soroban · 2009-09-17 03:02:46

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Tigeree · 2009-09-18 13:45:57

(Well, I know I won't be going there..) That's a good one, too!

soroban · 2009-10-09 23:23:37

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"Leviticus Hotline, how may I help you?"

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice,
I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord
(Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the order is not pleasing to them.
Should I smite them?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman
while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness
(Lev. 15: 19-24). The problem is: how do I tell?
I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 24:44 states that I may indeed posses slaves,
both males and female, provided they are purchased
from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that
this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians.
Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God
if I have a defect in my sight. I wear contact lenses.
Does my vision have to be 20-20
or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed,
including the hair around their temples,
even though this is expressly forbidden (Lev. 19:27).
How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching
the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean.
But may I still play football if I wear gloves>

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19
by planting two different crops in the same field,
as does his wife by wearing garments made of
two different kind of thread (cotton/polyester blend).
He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.
Is it really necessary that we go to the trouble
of getting the whole town together to stone them?
(Lev. 24:10-16). Could we just burn them to death
at a private family affair like we do with people
who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14) ?
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Math Is Fun Forum

#1 2009-07-20 11:00:28

Religious Jokes

#2 2009-07-20 13:24:45

Re: Religious Jokes

#3 2009-07-20 15:06:29

Re: Religious Jokes

#4 2009-07-21 08:11:01

Re: Religious Jokes

#5 2009-07-21 17:58:48

Re: Religious Jokes

#6 2009-07-22 05:05:05

Re: Religious Jokes

#7 2009-07-22 07:53:11

Re: Religious Jokes

#8 2009-07-22 08:19:26

Re: Religious Jokes

#9 2009-07-23 08:52:16

Re: Religious Jokes

#10 2009-07-23 19:13:40

Re: Religious Jokes

#11 2009-07-24 03:14:26

Re: Religious Jokes

#12 2009-07-24 13:54:39

Re: Religious Jokes

#13 2009-07-25 08:42:43

Re: Religious Jokes

#14 2009-09-12 02:09:52

Re: Religious Jokes

#15 2009-09-12 08:58:04

Re: Religious Jokes

#16 2009-09-13 11:08:19

Re: Religious Jokes

#17 2009-09-13 18:46:41

Re: Religious Jokes

#18 2009-09-17 03:02:46

Re: Religious Jokes

#19 2009-09-18 13:45:57

Re: Religious Jokes

#20 2009-10-09 23:23:37

Re: Religious Jokes

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