One Liners

Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-10 09:57:24

I bet you I could stop gambling.
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Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
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Did you know that your body is made 70% of water? And now I'm thirsty.
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What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.
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If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?
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Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
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A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
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What does a baby computer call its father? Data.
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You have the perfect face for radio.
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I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
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The panic begins with the first one to say ‘Calm down!'
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What's a horse's favorite sport? Stable Tennis.
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What if there were no hypothetical questions?
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Whiteboards are remarkable.
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I eat the broken cookies first because I feel bad for them.
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All generalizations are false, including this one.
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Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-12 03:30:30

I was going to be an optometrist, but couldn't see things clearly.
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What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
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Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years.
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The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
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The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
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Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
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Life didn't work out, but everything else is not that bad.
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I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
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Teacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?" Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir."
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Cells multiply by dividing.
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The best things in the world are free - and worth every penny of it.
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I find it very offensive when people get easily offended.
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The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.
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A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
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Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
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No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-14 00:37:19

If time is money, are ATMs time machines?
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What is the difference between a teacher and a train? One says, "Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!".
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I never admit or deny anything, it makes things more interesting.
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You can't get on the same page with someone who has a different book.
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If a woman is cold as a fish, a man has to be as patient as a fisherman.
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If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.
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As the joker said, if you are good at something, why do it for free...
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
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We need to look at how the world really works, not just accept the way we are told it works.
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What tea do hockey players drink? Penaltea!
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A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-15 00:27:19

Did you know that bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis?
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When the students noticed that the electricity went off during a storm, they were delighted [de-lighted].
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Heard about the saying that it is better to love a short girl than not a tall?
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Did you know that old power plant laborers never die, instead they just de-generate?
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It is said that while some people consider marriage as a word, the rest consider it a sentence.
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A court saying - old lawyers simply never die, they just lose their appeal.
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Did you hear about the fight between the dentist and the manicurist? It is said they had it out tooth and nail.
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My love for you is like pi... never ending.
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Roses are #ff0000, violets are #0000ff, all my base are belong to you.
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Are you made of Fluorine, Iodine, and Neon? 'Cause you are F-I-Ne?
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Are you a piece of carbon? Because I would love to date you.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-16 15:56:19

Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!
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The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
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Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
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Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
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Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.
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It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
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Some people are so poor, all they have is money.
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My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
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You're like school in the summertime - no class.
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Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells.
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It's good to learn from other's mistakes, I wish people learn something from me.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-17 14:12:56

Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!
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Young riders pick a destination and go... Old riders pick a direction and go.
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The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship : "I apologize" and "You are right."
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Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
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He who laughs last thinks slowest.
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Smaller babies may be delivered by storks but the heavier ones would need a crane!
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I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
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Electricity is dangerous. Shocking, ain't it?
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If a dog was a computer, would its bark be bigger than its byte?
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If mummies are from Egypt, then where are daddies from?
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There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
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What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon.
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Monox D. I-Fly · 2018-02-18 02:43:27

ganesh wrote:

Young riders pick a destination and go... Old riders pick a direction and go.
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So basically, mathematicians are young riders.

Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-18 15:33:37

Monox D. I-Fly wrote:

ganesh wrote:
Young riders pick a destination and go... Old riders pick a direction and go.
* * *
So basically, mathematicians are young riders.

In my opinion, Yes!

*******
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE!
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What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day? Forget-me-nuts.
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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Nobody is interested in your sorrow, unless you can make a joke or a poem out of it.
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Why don't you do arithmetic in the jungle? Because if you add 4 + 4 you get ate!
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Our conscience is clear- we don't use it.
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If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.
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I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
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Why is a doctor always calm? Because it has a lot of patients.
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What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
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I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
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I applied for a job today and they ask for three references. I wrote, "a dictionary, a Thesaurus, and a map."
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For those who never forget a face, you are an exception.
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Should I have another baby after 35? No, 35 children are enough.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-19 15:45:42

I was hooked on auctions after only going once... going twice.
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How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.
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The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
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It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
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He: So then, what's your sign? She: Dollar.
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3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.
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What fruit do you eat when you are sad? Blueberries.
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Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
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I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
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Five days of the week, my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park!
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What part of your family can you see through? A transparent.
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I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.
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Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
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I like the way your medication thinks.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-20 16:44:28

Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they are getting.
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Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
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Morning is the time when everyone is jealous of unemployed.
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I had amnesia once - maybe twice.
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The light at the end of the tunnel – are the front lights of a train.
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Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
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Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
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Friends are forever. Until they get in a relationship.
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Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
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There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.
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It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.
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You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway.
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If I've learned anything in life, it's that not enough people are at a loss for words.
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What did the beach say as the tide came in? Long time no sea.
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Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-21 14:52:00

The sun is going to go out in 4 billion years, and you sit there and act like everything is fine.
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Remember: You can eat your way out of almost any problem.
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The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.
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I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant.
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I don't care how funny you are, if I don't like you, I won't laugh.
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Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
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People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
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Men of quality respect women's equality.
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Thank goodness! Testimony from your parrot is not admissible in court.
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I just want to live in a world where people come with on/off switches.
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At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
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You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts... it's how you apply the force.
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"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon".
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The hardest part of any relationship is when it's not your turn to talk.
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Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
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Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
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A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-23 00:49:20

Remember, it's not what you do... it's what you get away with.
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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
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The difference between true love and dinosaurs: We're sure that dinosaurs once existed on this earth.
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Now that I'm older, I realize that my imaginary friend was really nothing more than an imaginary acquaintance.
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He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
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If someone is spitting behind you, it means you're in front.
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A girl in a restaurant asked me "Are you single?". I happily replied "Yes". She took away the extra chair in front of me.
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There's no "I" in "team" but there are 5 in "individual brilliance".
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Why did the lady wear a helmet every time she ate? She was on a crash diet!
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The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
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Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
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A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-24 15:03:54

Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?
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People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.
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Math and Girls are the most complicated things, but Math at least has some logic.
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My wife said wanted something shiny that went from 0-150 in under 2 seconds. I gave her a scale.
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If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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I wanted to tell you that wherever I am, whatever happens, I'll always think of you, and the time we spent together, as my happiest time. I'd do it all over again, if I had the choice. No regrets.
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What's the difference between a bird and a fly? A: A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird.
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How do men/women define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
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Girls are like internet domain names... the ones I like are already taken.
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Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.
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I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
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Is everything expensive or I'm just poor?
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Monox D. I-Fly · 2018-02-25 14:29:18

ganesh wrote:

Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?
* * *

That's... a good idea for a Pokemon/Digimon evolution line...

Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-25 15:22:40

Monox D. I-Fly wrote:

ganesh wrote:
Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?
* * *
That's... a good idea for a Pokemon/Digimon evolution line...

I know neither Pokemon nor Digimon!
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Legends don't die... I am a living example!
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Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
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I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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Lazy People Fact #5812672793. You were too lazy to read that number.
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Why do people litter? Because they don't take the litter signs literally.
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Salary is like a period – you wait for it a whole month and it ends in a week.
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You're fat. It's not because it runs in the family, you're fat because nobody runs in your family.
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If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
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The three unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.
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Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
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It's not what man can create, it's what man can become.
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What do you call a mind reader who can't read minds? A telepathetic.
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Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-26 14:44:30

The seven ages of man: spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills.
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Text him again. He probably just forgot that he's in love with you.
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He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
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What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off.
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You can't live, without, your... liver!
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What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium then you curium and you barium.
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I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right, but I didn't know her first name was "Always".
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Don't be nervous if someone is driving ahead of you- the world is round, just think that you're driving first!
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I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.
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Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you.
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When you try to prove to someone that something doesn't work, it will.
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Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't suit his taste!
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I'm so introverted I won't even talk to myself.
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I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
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If you have worked and didn't get anything, it means someone else got it.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-27 18:18:55

The word 'possesses', possesses so many s's, that any one can't assess it without knowing 's', I guess!
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I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
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Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
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Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
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All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
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Teacher: "What is the future tense of the statement: 'I had killed a thief'?" Student: "You will go to jail."
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For years, I struggled with dyslexia. Mostly because I was spelling it wrong.
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When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise!
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Music makes every day better, especially if you turn it up just loud enough to drown out all the people around you.
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I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
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Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
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I will have enough money for the rest of my life. Of course, if I don't buy and eat anything.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-28 21:52:00

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
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We shouldn't expect educators to be entertaining, or entertainers to be educational.
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Did you hear about the unruly circus driver? He refused to tow the lion.
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Biology is the only science where multiplication means the same thing as division.
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Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
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Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
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Those who build roofs are so inclined.
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Where does the dentist get his gas? At the filling station.
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Said the potato: "I think therefore I yam."
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Antiques are things one generation buys, the next generation gets rid off, and the following generation buys again.
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A night watchman is a man who earns his living without doing a day's work.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-03-04 17:05:30

Why did the farmer only wear one boot to town? He heard there would be a 50% chance of snow!
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Music makes every day better, especially if you turn it up just loud enough to drown out all the people around you.
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Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
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Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
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Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
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Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.
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If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
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I wish I had a man around the house... to hand me my tools while I'm fixing things.
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A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
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A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
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You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
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Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love; the poor know that it is money.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-03-07 01:51:36

Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf.
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A good scapegoat is more invited than a solution to the problem.
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Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
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To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
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When I went to the dentist for some root canal work, I lost my nerve.
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I can't believe it happened. The other day I jogged backward and put on eight pounds!
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A fight over love and money would be duel purpose.
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Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-03-08 18:40:47

I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
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Where did you buy your stupidity? Or it was given for free and you took an overdose?
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Where does a polar bear keep his money? In a snowbank!
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Why did the robot go on summer vacation? He needed to recharge his batteries.
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Money is the root of all wealth.
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Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."
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Tomorrow is a big day for me at work. They are refilling the snack vending machine.
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I went to a peanut factory last week. It was nuts!
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Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.
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My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.
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The longer you sleep – the more sleep you need. The more you eat – the bigger is your appetite.
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If the answer to all questions is yes, so why not?
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If you can't buy a person, you can always sell him.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-03-10 12:56:02

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
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How good are you at powerpoint? I Excel at it!
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You're never too old to learn something stupid.
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If you don't like my opinion of you – improve yourself!
* * *
Do you need space? Join NASA!
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Your forehead is so big you donated it to charity for shelter!
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There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
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A genius lives in every one of us. Each day more and more heavily…
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I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
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What did the pirate say when he found someone? I sea you!
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What did one candle say to the other? "Don't birthdays burn you up?"
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-03-12 01:12:53

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.
* * *
I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. Sadly, no pun in 10 did.
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If you don't like my opinion of you – improve yourself!
* * *
I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
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What did one candle say to the other? "Don't birthdays burn you up?"
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It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
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The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
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We are all part of the ultimate statistic – ten out of ten die.
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Trying to understand women is like trying to smell color 9.
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What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
* * *
I wanted to make a joke about criminals, but I was scared it would get stolen.
* * *
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls.
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I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of just nuts.
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Are you a cat because you're purrrrrrfect.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-03-14 17:15:27

What did the dentist said to the Sabretooth tiger? You have outstanding teeth.
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Where does a fish go to borrow money? The loan shark!
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Just tell me when and where and I'll be there 20 minutes late.
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Love is one long sweet dream... and marriage is the alarm clock.
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That awesome moment when you open the fridge and the first thing you see is the thing you wanted to eat.
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I don't do different things... It's just that I do things differently!
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"Why don't you trust me?", she texted both the guys simultaneously.
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The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
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It's officially New Year's Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.
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What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine's Day? Let me call you Tweet heart!
* * *
How does one know a man is going to say something smart?..His sentences start with "A woman once told me.."
* * *
Cannibals like to meat people.
* * *
My favorite part of grocery shopping is rushing home to look at the shopping list on my counter to see what I forgot to buy.
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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
* * *

Jai Ganesh · 2018-03-18 15:22:34

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
* * *
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
* * *
The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
* * *
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
* * *
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
* * *
Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.
* * *
Love helps to kill time. And time helps to kill love.
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I am right ninety eight percent of the time - who cares about the other three percent.
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What race is never run? A swimming race.
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My five year plan? I don't even have a five minute plan.
* * *
He's a recovering alcoholic: recovering from last night!
* * *
What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms.
* * *
Why did the boy throw the butter out the window? To see a butterfly.
* * *
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
* * *
Why did the girl wear glasses in math class? It improves di-vision.
* * *

Math Is Fun Forum

#26 2018-02-10 09:57:24

Re: One Liners

#27 2018-02-12 03:30:30

Re: One Liners

#28 2018-02-14 00:37:19

Re: One Liners

#29 2018-02-15 00:27:19

Re: One Liners

#30 2018-02-16 15:56:19

Re: One Liners

#31 2018-02-17 14:12:56

Re: One Liners

#32 2018-02-18 02:43:27

Re: One Liners

#33 2018-02-18 15:33:37

Re: One Liners

#34 2018-02-19 15:45:42

Re: One Liners

#35 2018-02-20 16:44:28

Re: One Liners

#36 2018-02-21 14:52:00

Re: One Liners

#37 2018-02-23 00:49:20

Re: One Liners

#38 2018-02-24 15:03:54

Re: One Liners

#39 2018-02-25 14:29:18

Re: One Liners

#40 2018-02-25 15:22:40

Re: One Liners

#41 2018-02-26 14:44:30

Re: One Liners

#42 2018-02-27 18:18:55

Re: One Liners

#43 2018-02-28 21:52:00

Re: One Liners

#44 2018-03-04 17:05:30

Re: One Liners

#45 2018-03-07 01:51:36

Re: One Liners

#46 2018-03-08 18:40:47

Re: One Liners

#47 2018-03-10 12:56:02

Re: One Liners

#48 2018-03-12 01:12:53

Re: One Liners

#49 2018-03-14 17:15:27

Re: One Liners

#50 2018-03-18 15:22:34

Re: One Liners

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