One Liners : Part II

Jai Ganesh · 2018-09-22 03:41:54

Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".
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The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
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Don't be irreplaceable - if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
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What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"
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I'm sorry I wasn't part of your past, can I make it up by being in your future?
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You have two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'. In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.
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The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.
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A man walks into the doctors and the doctor says, "I've not seen you for a while."
The man replies, "Yes, I've been ill."
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Child's experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.
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What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
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I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
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Clinging on to past and living is like driving forward while watching the rear view mirror...
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-09-22 16:45:36

I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
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For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.
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What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
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A wise man once said... Nothing, he only listened.
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Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
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Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days? Because their kids have to play inside!
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Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
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If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?
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If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
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My son was like "I got a D in my mathematics" and I was like "That's really bad" and my wife was like "you need to stop doing his homework."
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You're old enough to remember when emojis were called "hieroglyphics."
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The possibilities are endless, but I just want the good ones.
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Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe.
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If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you'd have a small medium at large.
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Do you love me because I am beautiful or I am I beautiful because you love me?
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To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-09-23 16:58:24

As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into a glass. Just wanted to make that clear.
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Seek knowledge from cradle to the grave.
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Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o'clock.
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There is no dance without the dancers.
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Escalators don't break down... they just turn into stairs.
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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.
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Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood.
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Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? You must be because you are BeAuTi-ful.
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Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
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A termite walks into a bar and says, "Where is the bar tender?"
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Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus!
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's okay. He woke up.
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I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.
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Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
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I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks. Can they not hear the music?
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-09-24 00:57:36

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
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A teacher asks a student, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" The kid answers, "I don't know and I don't care."
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I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
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I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
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I don't engage in mental combat with the unarmed.
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You're like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.
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It must be difficult to post inspirational Tweets when your blood type is B Negative.
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I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
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Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
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If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
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A man to a woman," Did you see my watch? I was so busy that I didn't have time to find it."
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With great reflexes comes great response ability.
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Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.
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I'm really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
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Last Father's Day, my son gave me something I always wanted: the keys to my car.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-09-24 16:53:14

Dream carefully, because dreams come true.
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Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
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My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
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The real rich is the one who can enjoy from the cheapest things.
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Now what's on the menu? Me-n-u.
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I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.
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Why don't aliens visit our planet? Terrible ratings. One star.
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I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
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Anger; the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.
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If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
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A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.
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If you see me smiling, it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing, it's because I've already done it.
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The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
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I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter, none of them work.
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Time is at once the most valuable and most perishable of all our possessions.
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Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
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I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-09-25 15:26:16

It's always a good idea to make friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha.
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Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
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Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
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Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
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Never hypothetically ask yourself if the person in front of you can go any slower, because the answer is yes.
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Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
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A cop accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He learned to never book a judge by their cover.
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Alzheimer's can't be that bad. You get to meet new people everyday.
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Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Seine.
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A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
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I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
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Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
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I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake.
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Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
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I tried to catch some fog, I mist.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-09-26 15:29:05

Sometimes waking up means the best part of your day is over!
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You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
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Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?
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My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
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This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.
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We live in an age where mentioning you read a book seems a little bit like you're showing off.
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Currently the flower business is blooming.
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Always identify who to blame in an emergency.
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I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
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Your future depends on your dreams. Don't waste any time, go to bed now.
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There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.
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The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
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Are you the square root of -1? Because you can't be real.
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The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything".
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Life isn't about winning and losing. It's about wishing you would have won and wondering why you lost.
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Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
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Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-09-27 16:33:39

The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs... one step at a time.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
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Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.
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It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
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Take my advice — I'm not using it.
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By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
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Becoming a parent is great. It's a beautiful and rewarding experience. It's almost as good as not becoming one.
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I hate peer pressure and you should too.
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Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.
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I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
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Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
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If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
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Ok, what's the latest possible date that I can still make something of my life?
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Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-09-28 16:26:41

I tried to escape the Apple store. I couldn't because there were no Windows.
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If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
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You're sweeter than 3.14
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A book just fell on my head. I've only got my shelf to blame.
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If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put "U" and "I" together.
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My math teacher called me average. How mean!
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I always wanted to marry an Archeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become!
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Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
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It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you're listening.
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People who write "u" instead of "you". What do you do with all the time you save?
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What do you have to do to have a party in space? You have to Planet.
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My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
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By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
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Did you hear about the math teacher who's afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
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Few women admit their age; few men act it.
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Math Is Fun Forum

#26 2018-09-22 03:41:54

Re: One Liners : Part II

#27 2018-09-22 16:45:36

Re: One Liners : Part II

#28 2018-09-23 16:58:24

Re: One Liners : Part II

#29 2018-09-24 00:57:36

Re: One Liners : Part II

#30 2018-09-24 16:53:14

Re: One Liners : Part II

#31 2018-09-25 15:26:16

Re: One Liners : Part II

#32 2018-09-26 15:29:05

Re: One Liners : Part II

#33 2018-09-27 16:33:39

Re: One Liners : Part II

#34 2018-09-28 16:26:41

Re: One Liners : Part II

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