One Liners : Part III

Jai Ganesh · 2018-09-29 15:59:47

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
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Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days.
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I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
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You can tell a girl likes you if she stares at your phone instead of her own.
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I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
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I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me.
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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
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The last airline I flew charged for everything. Except for the bad service. That was free.
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If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.
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The best time to open a gift is the present.
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Books are just TV for smart people.
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Loneliness is when a person always knows where all of his things are.
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I'm trying to date a philosophy professor, but she doesn't even know if I exist or not.
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I remember being in so much debt that I couldn't afford my electricity bills, it was a dark time.
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What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum - you can't beat it!
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-10-01 00:58:38

Brains are wonderful, I wish everyone had one.
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The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.
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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
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Everything becomes 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake someone up.
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What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws? It was given two consecutive sentences.
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I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
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People don't get my puns. They think they're funny.
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Top 3 situations that require witnesses:

1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages

Need I say more?
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Why was the tree excited about the future? It was ready to turn over a new leaf!
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Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
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I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.
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I'm not lazy... I'm just on my energy saving mode.
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Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
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The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is that little space in between we call the "Friend Zone".
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-10-02 01:22:23

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
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Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
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If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later.
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Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
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I love my life, but it just wants to be friends...
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The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees" so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.
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Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me?
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If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?
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A procrastinator's work is never done.
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Never answer an anonymous letter.
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Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?"
Student: "My father's check book!"
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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died. She was eaten by a giant crab.
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Two dogs are walking along a street. They are passed by a third dog driving a lorry load of logs. One turns to the other and says: "He started fetching a stick and built up the business from there."
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Education is important but other stuff is more importanter.
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Transitional age is when during a hot day you don't know what you want – ice cream or beer.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-10-04 01:14:13

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
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Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.
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For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
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Anyone who wanted to sell fish had to get permission from grandpa. He was known as the cod father.
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It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
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42 percent of statistics are made up!
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My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
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My bed wasn't feeling well this morning, so I had to stay home to take care of it.
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No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.
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Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film.
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I hate insects puns, they really bug me.
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I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
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Never tell a woman that her place is in the kitchen. That's where the knives are kept.
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By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.
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I'm not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything makes it an antidepressant.
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Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them...
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-10-12 17:26:34

I once worked as a salesman and was very independent; I took orders from no one.
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I am busy contemplating my future. Don't worry, this will only take a minute.
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Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.
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Why did the duck go to rehab? Because he was a quack addict!
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Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
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You're not old until a teenager describes you as middle-aged.
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It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
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Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
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If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?
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I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
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There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.
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Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
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True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-10-16 00:44:05

My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved. Thank God it's negative.
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I'm the type of person who tries to fall back asleep in the morning, just to finish a dream.
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How do you know when Santa's in the room? You can sense his presents.
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I am so poor I can't even pay attention.
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I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
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Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"
The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
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Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
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If what you don't know can't hurt you, you're invulnerable.
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I bet you I could stop gambling.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
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One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my salad?"
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668 – The neighbor of the beast.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-10-28 00:14:55

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
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Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
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A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
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Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
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To make mistakes is human. To blame someone else for your problem, is strategic.
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I've never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
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The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*.
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Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-11-01 00:02:17

I finally found a diet plan that works. It's called 'The Cost of Food'.
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Girl, are you a modern day savings account because I keep investing money in you but I'm not getting much interest.
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I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.
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No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
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I like to finish other people's sentences because... my version is better.
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If Mayans could predict the future, why didn't they predict their extinction?
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I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in hello!
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-11-05 00:13:39

Working at a Hospital is the worst cause you can't call in sick. You: "Yeah, I can't come in today, I'm sick." Boss: "Come on in, we'll check you out."
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People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
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Fishermen are reel men.
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What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.
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I'm taking part in a stair climbing competition. Guess I better step up my game.
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I put a new freezer next to the refrigerator, now they're just chilling.
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How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
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What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.
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A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the "b" is silent.
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Math Is Fun Forum

#1 2018-09-29 15:59:47

One Liners : Part III

#2 2018-10-01 00:58:38

Re: One Liners : Part III

#3 2018-10-02 01:22:23

Re: One Liners : Part III

#4 2018-10-04 01:14:13

Re: One Liners : Part III

#5 2018-10-12 17:26:34

Re: One Liners : Part III

#6 2018-10-16 00:44:05

Re: One Liners : Part III

#7 2018-10-28 00:14:55

Re: One Liners : Part III

#8 2018-11-01 00:02:17

Re: One Liners : Part III

#9 2018-11-05 00:13:39

Re: One Liners : Part III

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