Good jokes, aren't they?

JohnnyReinB · 2007-11-05 23:48:27

That sounds like me.

A woman went to the psychiatrist:

Woman: My Husband thinks he is a refrigerator...
Psychiatrist: Don't worry, it will wear off
Woman: No, you don't understand. He sleeps with his mouth open, and the light keeps me awake!!

Last edited by JohnnyReinB (2007-11-05 23:49:07)

Morphos · 2007-11-05 23:49:28

nice one

lightning · 2007-11-09 00:18:01

ganesh wrote:

Oh yes, Identity!
A person with a very poor memory goes to the Doc.
The patient : Doc, I am suffering from a very poor memory. Can you cure me?
The Doctor : Since how long have you been suffering from this?
Patient : Since how long suffering from what?

well if hey were suffering form this i would be.....

person with a very poor memory goes to the Doc.

The patient : i'll ...........cv.......

The Doctor : WHAT?!?!

Patient : ......aqs

he forgot english LOL

Jai Ganesh · 2007-11-09 01:37:54

JohnnyReinB · 2007-11-18 22:27:26

How about this...

A man went to a psychiatrist...

Man: Can you cure my neighbour? He thinks he's part of an orchestra and sings all day and night!
Psy: I'll do the best I can...

(one week later)

Man: Wow! You're very good! He now only sings occasionally, and for a short while only!
How did you stop his delusion?
Psy: I didn't. I just gave him a smaller part.

Last edited by JohnnyReinB (2007-11-18 22:27:58)

NullRoot · 2007-11-20 04:06:39

A man and his wife have been married for 40 years. The man, believing that his wife has lost her hearing as she's got older decides to test her.

He waits until she's sitting on the sofa, watching TV. He stands behind her in the doorway and says quietly, "Margaret? Can you hear me?" There's no answer.

He moves halfway to the sofa and says again, "Margaret? Can you hear me?" Still, there's no answer.

He moves the rest of the way to the sofa and whispers near her ear, "Margaret? Can you hear me?"
This time, she turns around and says angrily, "For the third time, John, yes I can!"

bunnie · 2007-11-24 04:03:49

A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter, "I think I will have the turtle soup." The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup.He yells to the waiter, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!"
________________________________________________________________________________

A man tries to sell his neighbor a new dog."This is a talking dog," he said."And you can have him for £5." "Who do think you're kidding with this talking dog-stuff?"said the neighbor."There's no such animal."Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes."Please buy me, sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never baths me, never takes me for for walks. I used to be the riches trick dog in Asia. I preformed before kings. I was in the army and were decorated 10 times.""Hey!"said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why sell him just for £5?""Because," said the seller,"I'm getting tired of all his darn lies.":)
________________________________________________________________________________

At a football match one day a man tried to get into the game with a gorilla."Look," said a cop,"I saw you with him yesterday and told you to take him to a zoo.""Yes I did that, and then we went to the skating ring and had a meal. So today I thought he might like to see a football match.":P
________________________________________________________________________________

Barber:Your hair needs cutting badly.
Costumer: No, it needs cutting nicly. You cut it badly last time.:lol:
________________________________________________________________________________

Our small grocery store had a rule for children returning soft-drink bottles:NO BOTTLES ACCEPTED AFTER FIVE O'CLOCK. One day near closing time at 6:30, four young children arrived with bottles. Wanting to put a stop to this, I sternly asked each child if he was aware of the rules. Three shook their heads no, but the youngest said he knew. "Why then," I asked, "have you brought me these bottles?" "I can't tell time yet,".he said.
________________________________________________________________________________

My mother used to work in a supermarket. One morning, a little lost boy walked up to her with big, sad eyes and told her he was lost.Mom said "Don't worry.We'll find your......mom.They looked aisle after aisle.She told him to look very carfully and asked "Do you see your mom?" "Nope, I just keep seeing my dad."
________________________________________________________________________________

PLEASE!COMMENT!:)

Last edited by bunnie (2007-11-24 09:40:24)

vxmaster · 2007-12-15 02:27:12

ganesh wrote:

* The owner of a company tells his employees:
You worked very hard this year. The company's profits increased dramatically.
As a reward, I 'll give everyone a check for $ 5000.
If you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks.
========= ==
* 1st thief, "Police! Quick! jump out of the window!"
2nd thief, "But this is the 13th floor"
1st: "Hurry! This is no time to be superstitious"
========= =
* Eve to Adam: Do you love me?
Adam nonchalantly: Who else?
========= =
* A Girl: At weddings old aunts used to tease me saying "You are next, you are next."
But they stopped it since I started doing the same to them at funerals...! !
========= ===
* Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."

cool jokes

Jai Ganesh · 2007-12-20 18:24:16

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man.

"My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said.

"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

JohnnyReinB · 2007-12-20 22:36:00

I have an aristocrat joke, though it's a bit short:

We're the Aristocrats!

You think I left anything out?

Jai Ganesh · 2007-12-22 21:36:57

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

lightning · 2007-12-24 06:19:58

lol where exatly do you get these i mean these are great i could laugh for hours hours + hours......and h gawd im getting very dizzy...hours + h

Jai Ganesh · 2007-12-24 18:09:50

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

Q: What is one horsepower?

A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. [this guy is going to do well in college! *haha* ...Lj]

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

Lime is a green-tasting rock.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

MasterofDisguise · 2008-01-06 07:08:00

ganesh wrote:

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
Bob calls the law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "Im sorry Bob, but he died last week."
The next day Bob calls again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "Bob, I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day Bob calls for the third time and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "Bob! I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?!!"
Bob replies, "Because I just love hearing it!"
Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," says the attorney, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."
While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it.
The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

That last Joke IS HIGH-LARIOUS

:lol:

:lol::lol::lol: :lol::lol:

:lol:

:lol::lol::lol: :lol::lol:

Monox D. I-Fly · 2019-11-13 20:31:07

ganesh wrote:

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
Q: What is one horsepower?
A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. [this guy is going to do well in college! *haha* ...Lj]
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
Lime is a green-tasting rock.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
The wind is like the air, only pushier.

These jokes would be good to put on Stoner Stanley meme.

Jai Ganesh · 2019-12-06 18:58:27

Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
-----
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
-----
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
Timing.
-----
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines.
-----
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
-----

Jai Ganesh · 2019-12-07 04:09:41

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.
-----
So what if I don't know what Armageddon means?
It's not the end of the world.
-----
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
Aye matey.
-----
I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work.
-----
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
-----

Jai Ganesh · 2019-12-08 15:41:48

People think "icy" is the easiest word to spell. Come to think of it, I see why.
-----
My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.
I told them, "Just you wait!"
-----
What does the world's top dentist get?
A little plaque.
-----
I got my husband a fridge for his birthday.
His face lit up when he opened it.
-----
What did the big flower say to the little flower?
Hi bud!
-----
Why is no one friends with Dracula?
Because he's a pain in the neck.
-----

Jai Ganesh · 2019-12-08 21:05:13

What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
-----
I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.
-----
I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.
Sadly, no pun in 10 did.
-----
Two gold fish are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”
-----
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
-----
Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
The don’t meet the koalafications.
-----

Monox D. I-Fly · 2019-12-09 14:27:56

ganesh wrote:

What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
-----

Call them whatever you want, they won't hear you anyway.

Jai Ganesh · 2019-12-09 15:46:32

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.
Then it hit me.
-----
The energizer bunny was arrested on a charge of battery.
-----
If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.
-----
Q: How do trees access the internet?
A: They log in.
-----
Q. What do clouds do when they become rich?
A. They make it rain!
-----
Q. What is the color of the wind?
A. Blew.
-----
I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes, but not in a row!"
-----

Jai Ganesh · 2019-12-10 00:23:17

If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while.
They're usually 90 degrees.
-----
A horse walks into a bar...
The bartender says, "Hey."
The horse replies, "Sure."
-----
I took part in the suntanning Olympics...
...but I only got bronze.
-----
I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
-----
I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y.
-----
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
-----
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.
Clooney says, "I'll direct."
DiCaprio says, "I'll act."
McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
-----
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
-----

Jai Ganesh · 2019-12-12 14:13:07

Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
Because he always has a great fall.
-----
How do mountains stay warm in the winter?
Snowcaps.
------
Is this pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
-----
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis!
-----
A man walks into a library and orders a hamburger.
The librarian says, "This is a library."
The man apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a hamburger, please."
-----
Why did the taxi driver get fired?
Passengers didn't like it when she went the extra mile.
-----

Math Is Fun Forum

#26 2007-11-05 23:48:27

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#27 2007-11-05 23:49:28

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#28 2007-11-09 00:18:01

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#29 2007-11-09 01:37:54

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#30 2007-11-18 22:27:26

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#31 2007-11-20 04:06:39

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#32 2007-11-24 04:03:49

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#33 2007-12-15 02:27:12

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#34 2007-12-20 18:24:16

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#35 2007-12-20 22:36:00

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#36 2007-12-22 21:36:57

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#37 2007-12-24 06:19:58

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#38 2007-12-24 18:09:50

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#39 2008-01-06 07:08:00

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#40 2019-11-13 20:31:07

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#41 2019-12-06 18:58:27

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#42 2019-12-07 04:09:41

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#43 2019-12-08 15:41:48

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#44 2019-12-08 21:05:13

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#45 2019-12-09 14:27:56

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#46 2019-12-09 15:46:32

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#47 2019-12-10 00:23:17

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#48 2019-12-12 14:13:07

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

Board footer