Good jokes, aren't they?

Jai Ganesh · 2007-02-05 02:07:08

* The owner of a company tells his employees:
You worked very hard this year. The company's profits increased dramatically.

As a reward, I 'll give everyone a check for $ 5000.

If you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks.

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* 1st thief, "Police! Quick! jump out of the window!"
2nd thief, "But this is the 13th floor"
1st: "Hurry! This is no time to be superstitious"

========= =

* Eve to Adam: Do you love me?
Adam nonchalantly: Who else?

========= =

* A Girl: At weddings old aunts used to tease me saying "You are next, you are next."
But they stopped it since I started doing the same to them at funerals...! !

========= ===

* Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."

Xmegz4evaX · 2007-02-07 06:35:48

Wow There Wicked Jokes

Jai Ganesh · 2007-02-17 17:30:19

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution." The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it." The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits--yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

Two bright young engineers applied for the same position at a computer company. Since they had identical qualifications, the company asked the two applicants to take a ten-question test. At the conclusion of the test, one of the applicants was called into the manager's office. "I have graded the test, and you both scored nine correct answers and got one answer wrong. Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." "And why would you choose him if we both got nine questions correct?" asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager. "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired. "Simple," said the Department manager, "The other gentleman answered Question #5, 'I don't know.' Your answer to Question #5 was, 'Neither do I.'"

A young man reported for his first day of work at a supermarket. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

[color=00006f]A photographer for a national news magazine was assigned to get photos of a big forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not my instructor?"
[/color]

espeon · 2007-02-17 21:34:57

lmfao! kl jokes especially the first one

lightning · 2007-02-27 06:15:37

lightning · 2007-03-01 07:17:19

shocamefromebay · 2007-06-12 02:21:02

i love that one about "Your Next" LOLOL
it was hilarious

Jai Ganesh · 2007-06-13 02:02:30

Adopted Turtle
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

Why did the gum cross the road?

Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot!

What happend to the cat that ate wool?

It had mittens!

Why did the cow cross the road?

To go to the mooooovies!

What is a dog's favorite job?

A Rufferee

Jai Ganesh · 2007-06-14 02:15:27

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

========================================

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

========================================

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.

mikau · 2007-07-05 09:51:32

wahhaaha! the tie one is funny..

burningleo · 2007-08-16 14:16:09

rofl these are hilarious

uche · 2007-08-18 13:33:05

hey mikau

uche · 2007-08-18 13:34:05

are u just putting math things for your comments to make me jelous

burningleo · 2007-08-18 16:25:41

who??

Devantè · 2007-08-19 06:27:05

uche wrote:

are u just putting math things for your comments to make me jelous

r u putting your comments becuse f no reasn

Jai Ganesh · 2007-08-23 00:28:08

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

Identity · 2007-08-23 00:41:33

Hahaha! Bad move by the atheist.

JaneFairfax · 2007-09-09 01:12:20

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says, What is this, some kind of joke?

lightning · 2007-09-09 08:00:57

what did the sad dog say to his sweeky toy?

"well, y'see life has benn kinda ruff..."

Jelly · 2007-09-27 14:13:17

These are all so funny!

Jai Ganesh · 2007-09-30 01:09:50

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Bob calls the law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry Bob, but he died last week."

The next day Bob calls again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "Bob, I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day Bob calls for the third time and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "Bob! I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?!!"

Bob replies, "Because I just love hearing it!"

Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," says the attorney, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

lightning · 2007-10-01 07:42:13

AHAHAHAHA
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO BE WHEN YOUR OLDER???
I YOU'RE AS FUNNY AS A.......... as a....... funny person.....

Jai Ganesh · 2007-11-03 02:56:19

Two elderly gentlemen hard of hearing:

"Hey John, going fishing?"

"No, I am going fishing."

"Oh, I see. I thought you were going fishing".

lightning · 2007-11-05 11:24:41

lol do you have any more??? i wander if they like to go fishing LOL!!!!!

Jai Ganesh · 2007-11-05 17:03:31

Oh yes, Identity!

A person with a very poor memory goes to the Doc.

The patient : Doc, I am suffering from a very poor memory. Can you cure me?

The Doctor : Since how long have you been suffering from this?

Patient : Since how long suffering from what?

Math Is Fun Forum

#1 2007-02-05 02:07:08

Good jokes, aren't they?

#2 2007-02-07 06:35:48

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#3 2007-02-17 17:30:19

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#4 2007-02-17 21:34:57

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#5 2007-02-27 06:15:37

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#6 2007-03-01 07:17:19

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#7 2007-06-12 02:21:02

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#8 2007-06-13 02:02:30

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#9 2007-06-14 02:15:27

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#10 2007-07-05 09:51:32

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#11 2007-08-16 14:16:09

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#12 2007-08-18 13:33:05

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#13 2007-08-18 13:34:05

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#14 2007-08-18 16:25:41

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#15 2007-08-19 06:27:05

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#16 2007-08-23 00:28:08

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#17 2007-08-23 00:41:33

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#18 2007-09-09 01:12:20

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#19 2007-09-09 08:00:57

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#20 2007-09-27 14:13:17

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#21 2007-09-30 01:09:50

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#22 2007-10-01 07:42:13

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#23 2007-11-03 02:56:19

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#24 2007-11-05 11:24:41

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

#25 2007-11-05 17:03:31

Re: Good jokes, aren't they?

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