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Hello, quittyqat!
Roflol Ha! Did you make these up?
Nope . . . but I wish I did.
I found them here and there on the 'Net.
Here's another:
Jesus was strolling around Heaven
and saw a sad old man shuffling along.
"Why are you sad, sir?" Jesus asked, "Arem't you happy here?"
"Oh, Heaven is truly a wonderful place and I'm very happy here.
Well, except for one thing. I lost my son many years ago.
I assumed he'd be here, but I haven't found him yet."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Jesus. "If you describe him,
I can get othrs to help look for him."
"Oh, thank you, Jesus." said the old man.
"Well, I was a woodworker and so was my son."
"I see," said Jesus.
"He also had holes in his hands and feet."
"Really?" said Jesus.
"Then he went through a miraculous transformation
and I havent't seen him since."
Jesus' eyes filled with tears.
He held out His arms and said, "Father!"
The old man smiled broadly, hugged Him. and said, "Pinocchio!"
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Hello, Tigeree!
. . . although the second one kind confuses me.
In Heaven, the streets are paved with gold . . . Remember?
And thank you for the response.
I was beginning to wonder if I had offended everyone.
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A man went to see his rabbi.
"Rabbi, I raised my son to be a good Jew," he said.
I taught him the ways of Judaism.
And now he wants to be a Christian.
What should I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi.
"I had the very same problem.
I raised my son to be a good Jew.
I taught him the ways of Judaism.
And he wanted to be a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the man.
"I asked God for guidance," said the rabbi.
"And what did God say?"
"He said, 'Funny you should ask ...' "
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Three men were discussing their respective faiths.
The Arab said, "About ten years ago, I was riding my camel in the desert.
Suddenly a sandstorm blew in and began burying me in the sand.
I prayed to Allah to help me, and suddently for a hundred feet around me
the air was calm and serene. Eventually the sandstorm died down and I survived.
Since then I have been a devout Muslim."
The Englishman said, "I have a similar story. I was deep-sea fishing in my yacht
when a hurricane blew in without warning. My ship was beginning to sink.
I prayed to God to help me, and suddenly for a hundred feet around me
the sea was calm. I rode out the storm and eventually returned to port.
Since then I have been devout Christian."
The Jew said, "Funny thing! I was walking down the street one day and
I found a briefcase in the gutter. Opening it, I found it full of hundred-dollar
bills. Howver, this was on a Saturday and we are not allowed to do any
business transactions on our Sabbath. So I prayed to Jehovah to help me.
And suddenly for a hunrdred feet around me, it was Tuesday."
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A man approached the Pearly Gates dragging a heavy suitcase.
Saint Peter said, "You'll can leave your earthly goods outside.
Everything you want or need will be provided here."
The man said, "I spent my life collecting these. I'll not give them up!"
So Saint Peter opened the gate and the man lugged the suitcase in.
He paused to catch his breath and opened the suitcase.
There were fifty bars of the purest gold.
"There!" said the man. "See?"
Saint Peter looked puzzled.
"You brought pavement?"
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Jesus and Moses were playing golf at a California country club.
Jesus prepared to drive His ball over a water hazard.
Moses said, "I'd shoot around the hazard."
Jesus said, "Tiger Wood made this very shot last week.
If he can do it, I can do it."
Jesus' shot landed in the water.
"Please get the ball, Moses," said Jesus.
"Okay, just this once," said Moses as he parted the waters.
He retrieved the ball and handed it back to the Lord.
"Shoot around it," said Moses.
Jesus said, "Tiger Wood made this shot.
If he can do it, I can do it."
And Jesus' second shot went into the water.
"Well," said Moses, "You can get the ball yourself."
Jesus walked out on the water, looking for His ball.
Just then a foursome came up behind them.
One of them pointed at the Man walking on the water
and said, "Who does He think is? Jesus Christ?"
"No," said Moses, "He thinks He's Tiger Wood."
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Hello, Identity!
This is equivalent to bobbym's answer!
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I use \dfrac in complex fractions . . .
and \tfrac for smaller fractions . . .
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Someone showed me how to insert spaces in an array.
A matrix with fractions often looks very crowded:
\begin{pmatrix}
\frac{1}{4} & \frac{3}{4} \\
\frac{2}{3} & \frac{1}{3}
\end{pmatrix}
.
\begin{pmatrix}
\frac{1}{4} & \frac{3}{4} \\ \\[-3mm]
\frac{2}{3} & \frac{1}{3}
\end{pmatrix}
Evidently the \\ adds another line feed
. . and the [-3mm] makes it "back up" 3 mm.
I've taken an array like this:
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and morphed it into this:
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I have this theory . . .
Most lifeforms on this planet are six-legged.
There is a substantially smaller group of lifeforms with four legs
. . which are more highly developed.
There are only a few billion two-legged lifeforms which are remarkably advanced,
. . both intellectually and technologically.
Conclusion: The dominant species is probably a dozen snakes.]
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~ Read passages from "Love Story".
~ Rent a large U-Haul and a backhoe . . .
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Yes, you got it, Jane!
And a very nice explanation, too . . .
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. . . . . . . . Nursery Rhymes for Engineers - 2
A research team proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologic proturberance,
the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride
of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact capacity of which was unspecified.
One member of the team precipitantly descemded sustaining severe
fractural damage to the upper cranial portion of his anotomical structure.
Subsequently, the second member of the team performed self-rotational
translations oriented in the direction taken by the first team member.
A young male human was situated near the intersection
of two supporting structural elements at right angle to each other;
said subject was involved in ingesting a sacchrine composition prepared
in conjunction with the ritual observance of an annual fixed-day religious festival.
Insertion into the saccrine composition of the apposable digit of his forelimb
was followed by removel of a drupe of the genus Prunus.
Subsequently the subject made a declarative statement regarding
the high quality of his character as a young male human.
A human female of anile disposition established occupancy in a structure
originally designed for encasement of the end part of a human leg.
The plurality of descendants of the subject was of a nature to cause
continual perplexity and misjudgment on the part of said subject.
Amelioration of the prevailing conditions was effected by furnishing
the descendents with a repast consisting of a light gruel unaccompanied
by solid wheaten material, followed by administration of severe
flagellation prior to commital to nocturnal repose.
A geiatose human female proceeded to a storage compartment for the purpose
of procuring a fragment of osseous tissue from an unidentified specimen to transfer
to an indigent carnivorous domesticated animal, Canis familiaris, family Canidae.
Upon arrive at her destination, the subject found the storage compartment
is a denuded condition, with the consequence that the indigent carnivore
was deprived of the intended donation.
A triumvirate of murine rodents totally devoid of ophthalmic acuity was observed
in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of an agriculturalist's uxorial adjunct.
Said adjunct then performed a triple caudectomy utilizing an accurately-honed
bladed instrument generally used for subdivision of edible tissue.
The female member of the highest order of a ruling house
designated by a cardiod symbol was engaged in the preparation
of a plurality of small edible crusted saccharine elements
at a time midway between the vernal and autumnal equinoxes.
A male of lower order of said ruling house, given to rascality
in behavior, performed an unlawful surreptitious removal
of said crusted elements to an undetermined destination.
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